To quote J.D. aka Christian Slater, “Greetings and salutations! …Are you a Heather?” No, Christian. I am actually Fingerling. I am forever envious of how witty Veronica Sawyer was; she was a master of deadpan delivery. For those of you unaware, Heathers is a film from 1988 about a girl named Veronica who resents her own inclusion in a popular clique of other girls named Heather (all of whom are incredibly well-blazered). Her resentment can be summed up when she says, “She’s my best friend. God, I hate her.” During this time, she meets a guy named J.D. who teaches her valuable lessons in seeing people for who they truly are and engages her in a little experiment in social politics: kill all the popular kids and make it look like suicide. Think Bonnie and Clyde meets Clueless meets Mean Girls (if the latter two had come out in the 80s). Without Heathers, Cher Horowitz probably would not even have grown up to care about Bettys and Baldwins.
There are three Heathers: Heather Chandler, Heather Duke, and Heather McNamara. And when I say they are well-blazered, I mean it. I am jealous to this day of what they got to wear- grommet detailing, big shoulderpads, bold patters, big flower brooches, etc. And they would play croquet in these blazers with matching leggings. AND SCRUNCHIES. Add a martini and SIGN ME UP.
One of the most entertaining aspects to Heathers is the amount of incredible one-liners it produced:
- “Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw” – Heather Chandler. This is by far my favorite quote of the movie, and may be my favorite quote from any movie ever. Or at least the 80s. Sorry, Lloyd Dobler (John Cusack), but it’s even better than, “I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen.”
- “You’re beautiful” – Veronica Sawyer. I say this instead of telling people, “You’re an idiot.” or “Fuck you.” It’s one of those amazing moments of reverse psychology wound up in an enigma wrapped up in a smile. A good follow-up quote could be: “Dear Diary: Heather told me she teaches people “real life.” She said, real life sucks losers dry. You want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly. I said, so, you teach people how to spread their wings and fly? She said, yes. I said, you’re beautiful.”
- “What’s your damage?!” – everyone. This will go on my tombstone. It captures a little bit of 80s and a little bit of 90s, and it is perfect.
- “How very.” – Veronica Sawyer. Ok. This is it. This movie. Better than anything. I wish we still talked like this! Less is more!
- “Dear Diary, my teen-angst bullshit now has a body count.” – Veronica Sawyer. Ok. So a lot of this movie has Winona feverishly scribbling in her notebook as she wears a monocle (and it’s beyond amazing). This quote sums up the movie a bit and how awesome it is to hear her inner monologue as she writes in her diary. Or this one: “Betty Finn was a true friend and I sold her out for a bunch of Swatch dogs and Diet Coke heads. Killing Heather would be like offing the wicked witch of the west… wait east. West! God! I sound like a fucking psycho.”
- “Veronica, why are you pulling my dick?” – Heather Duke. Shannen Doherty is just fabulous in this role. And this quote illustrates one of the many reasons.
- “Suicide gave Heather depth, Kurt a soul, and Ram a brain. I don’t know what it’s given me, but I have no control over myself when I’m with J.D. Are we going to prom or to hell?” – Veronica Sawyer. Not exactly a one liner, but just another example of what goes on in the mind of Veronica. I really want to go there for a vacation… Also, Veronica. FYI- prom and hell are the same thing. Especially with 80s fashion.
- “Grow up Heather, bulimia’s so ’87.” – Heather Chandler. YEAH, Heather, you need to listen to Heather. Bulimia is so last year. You tell her, Heather. Heather Chandler is my favorite Heather because I know she is exactly how I would have been in the 80s… if I had a V where I currently have a P, that is (for those of you wondering, I am doing some high-level anatomy explanations courtesy of Easy A).
- “That knife is filthy… Excuse me, I think I know Heather a little bit better than you do. If she were going to slit her wrists, the knife would be spotless.” – Veronica Sawyer. Yes. Love my bourgie sisters! Preach!
- “Football season is over, Veronica. Kurt and Ram had nothing left to offer the school except date rapes and AIDS jokes.” – J.D. I think J.D. was just a little jealous. But Christian Slater sure was fine…
- “Lick it up, baby. Lick. It. Up.” – Veronica Sawyer. Finally telling Heather #1 what she thinks. Veronica may have just committed social suicide when she threw up all over her college “date” instead of just giving him a simple blow job, but she’s about to make the school think that Heather Chandler committed the real type of suicide.
- “Hi, I’m sorry. Technically, I did not kill Heather Chandler, but hey who am I trying to kid, right? I just want my high school to be a nicer place. Amen. Did that sound bitchy?” – Veronica Sawyer. Amen. Amen.
- “You were nothing before you met me. You were playing Barbies with Betty Finn. You were a Bluebird. You were a Brownie. You were a Girl Scout Cookie.” – Heather Chandler. Just a fancier, schmancier way to say, “I made you. I can break you.” She’s ice cold. But she speaks the truth. Kind of like when she says, “They all want me as a friend or a fuck. I’m worshiped at Westerburg and I’m only a junior.” Or how about when she calls Heather Duke “such a pillowcase.” We all knew someone like this… we all wish we had made them drink orange juice and liquid drainer, too, I bet… uh, where were we?
- “This is my life. Oh, my God. I’ll have to send my S.A.T. scores to San Quentin instead of Stanford.” – Veronica Sawyer. Real life is calling, booboo. Be strong.
- “God had cursed me I think. The last guy I had sex with killed himself the next day. I’m failing math. I was supposed to be cheerleading captain…” – Heather McNamara. First world problems.
- “Did you eat a brain tumor for breakfast?” – Heather Chandler. And in 2001, she died of a brain tumor. Irony, kids. It’s a bitch.
- You saw my favorite quote at #1. But the most legendary quote of the movie might be, “I love my dead, gay son!” It is fitting because it hits the right amount of ignorance: “I don’t care that you were some pansy!” Here it is, in all its cartoonish glory that is FOOTBALL:
I could go on even further, but those are just some of my favorites! I may revisit this movie as a blog topic later on, as there are so many life lessons it teaches. Today, I wanted to focus on the quotes and how this movie makes me laugh. Let’s face it, the greatest contribution of this movie is its dialogue. Is it time to watch it again?