Ho Ho No: Christmas Albums That Make You Choke On Your Eggnog

While the big day is fast approaching, I cannot help but immerse myself in all of the great Christmas music.  I’ve been to a chorus show, seen a Christmas musical, and loaded my playlist up with tons of holiday songs.  From snow globes to ornaments, even my Christmas decorations are pouring out music.  Now that I am no longer working in retail, I can enjoy the holiday tunes.  There is just something ominous and dismal about being forced to listen to “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” or “Silent Night” when it is not even Halloween yet while dealing with selfish, impatient customers and their kids who need to be on leashes.  #RetailProblems  While I enjoy it now, there are still so many Christmas albums that the Grinch should have stolen and erased from existence.

Destiny's_Child_-_8_Days_of_ChristmasDestiny’s Child – 8 Days of Christmas
October 23, 2001 marked a dark day in music history with the release of this so-called album.  I cannot even begin to explain how wretched and horrid this album is.  They butcher just about every song: “On the 8th day of Christmas, my baby gave to me… a pair of Chloe shades and a diamond belly ring… On the 3rd day of Christmas, my baby gave to me…  A gift certificate to get my favorite CDs.”  You see where I am going here?  Obscene.  Vile.  Putrid.  Their version of “Little Drummer Boy” (feat. Solange so you know its a hot mess because where is her singing career now? Exactly.) decides to add “pum pum purrum pum pum” to just about every word in the song.  It’s a little over the top.  And the song titled “Platinum Bells?”  NEXT.  This album totally erases the essence of Christmas and all I can think about is the look on Beyonce’s face when she knocked over the Christmas tree on punk’d.  Children yell at her, “You ruined Christmas!”  Yes, you did Bey.  And not by knocking over a fake tree.  Beyonce, I really have one question: just how many vowels are in the words holy, peace, silent, and night?

hungWilliam Hung – Hung For The Holidays
The title of this album alone lets you know this is a total diamond in the rough… it is about as appropriate as a sexual reference to Christ being “hung” on the cross.  I blame Simon and Paula for allowing this creature to get so famous via his American Idol audition and YouTube success.  Every day when I strain real hard while I am taking a dump I think, “Wow, I could get famous like William Hung moaning like this, right?”  Utter garbage.  24 customers on Amazon.com gave this album 5 stars and 23 gave it 1 star.  I am in total shock as to why those numbers are almost equal.  I wish there was a rating of 0 stars!  I would relish the though of the Grinch coming and taking this out of my Christmas stocking.  Just as long as he leaves the roast beast, I am fine.  Am I being too hard on the poor guy?  In response to those who argue that he was passionate and determined and ought to be rewarded for pursuing his dream the way he did, one can say those exact same words about Charles Manson or Ted Bundy. I urge you to take the <$10 you would spend on this CD and donate to a good cause…

kenny-chesney-all-i-want-for-christmas-is-a-real-good-tanKenny Chesney – All I Want For Christmas is a Real Good Tan
Ok. I am a Southern boy and love some country music.  And for the most part I always liked Kenny Chesney’s music.  But there’s something about a palm tree, Coppertone, a Santa hat, and Solarcaine that don’t mix.  I am going to have to give this album two thumbs and two big toes down.  He loves to sing about the island life.  When it comes to the Christmas-themed island life, I do not think all of his obese fans in Kentucky and Mississippi will be able to easily relate.  Kenny, all I want for Christmas is for you to finally come out of the closet.

indogIndo G presents Christmas N’ Memphis: Christmas Will Never Be The Same
Well you got that right!  The album cover alone looks like some B-movie horror film with Kunta Claus on a murderous rampage with glocks named Boomboom and Bangbang to guide his way through tha hood.  He be climbing in yo windows and snatching up yo presents.  Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, hide yo eggnog.  This is so insane I cannot even find it on Amazon.  But I have heard it…

220px-ChristmasondeathrowVarious Artists – Christmas on Death Row
Ok.  I will just put some of the song titles on here and let you form your own opinions.  “Santa Clause Goes Straight to the Ghetto,” “Christmas in the Ghetto,” “Party 4 Da Homies,” and “Christmas Everyday.”  Suge Knight should serve jail time for allowing this album to be released.  This album is great “music to smoke an ounce to after your turkey.”  I don’t know about you, but  I cannot wait to hold hands on a snowy Christmas eve, surrounded by a beautiful luminary and sing, “On the first day of Christmas, my homeboy gave to me… A sack of the krazy glue and told me to smoke it slowly.”

davidhasslehoffDavid Hasslehoff – The Night Before Christmas
He really should have just tried to find a way to stay in the 90’s running in slow motion on the beach.  If he is not out here ruining Christmas music, he is drunk and fat eating cheeseburgers and Taco Bell while his daughter films it all as hes basically passing and drooling out on the floor.  He may be a musical sensation in Germany, but even Scrooge couldn’t ruin Christmas as much as this album.  I am dating a German, and he does not understand the fascination with Hasselhoff in the musical industry.  There is hope yet…

While this list is small in comparison to the amount of Christmas albums that exist, I feel that it covers the ones that most irritate me.  Was there one that you think I should add?  Comment below and let me know!  Until next time, may your ears be exposed to some good Christmas albums:  Dolly and Kenny, Elvis, Nat King Cole, Bing Crosby, Beach Boys, and Michael Buble all have some of the most successful and world-renowned Christmas albums ever!  And who can resist a little music by A Charlie Brown Christmas?


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