Black Christmas: A List of Ho-Ho-Horror Movies

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It is getting darker and colder as we approach the end of the year.  These are the nights that should be filled with holiday cocktails and our most beloved Christmas movies.  I want to remind everyone that in addition to the classic films out, there are also plenty of Christmas horror movies they can watch this year.  Nothing complements a Christmas horror movie like donning a Santa hat, either.  There are still 12 days left!  I will do my best to list enough Christmas horror movies to satiate your inner demonic elf!  I am going to focus on my favorite film of the season: Black Christmas (2006).  Check out the trailer here!  It was released on Christmas Day and many Christian groups were outraged at the “insensitivity” by doing so.

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I like the original 1974 version and the 2006 version.  I tend to watch the remake more often than the original, though.  The remake has current actors such as Michelle Trachtenberg, Katie Cassidy, Lacey Chabert, and Andrea Martin to name a few.  While the original was much better and has higher reviews, I gravitate towards this one for some unknown reason.  In simplest terms, this movie can be summed up as sorostitutes getting killed on Christmas Eve be a maniac.  The killer escaped from the sanatorium by means of a candy cane knife and all he wants is to go home.  When he gets to his childhood home, he sees it has been re-purposed into a sorority house.  The house holds great memories for him: abusive drunk parents, being locked away in the attic and slinking around in crawl spaces, and being raped by his mother on Christmas Eve (and nine months later out comes a baby girl).  And not to mention, due to being born with a liver disease, he is yellow.  So life is not all that great for him to begin with.

When life throws you lemons, you should make Christmas cookies.  But when young Billy makes them, he does so by taking a cookie cutter to his mom’s back and popping her flesh into the preheat oven; I am sure he got that recipe from Southern Living.  Watching him dip her crispy “gingerback” cookies in milk is… disturbing to say the least.  This movie has it all: hot girls, man candy, incest, icicle deaths, hatchets to the head, eyes gouged out, death by ice skates, and everyone strung up in string and lights.  And I am sure most people are familiar with the iconic death of the woman suffocated by a bag and then stabbed repeatedly in the head (as that is the cover of the original movie).  The total body count is 18.  That’s 18 naughty boys and girls that Santa will most definitely not be visiting this year.

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Moreover, the plot of this movie is centered around a group of girls who are snowed into their sorority house on Christmas Eve and they begin receiving menacing and wildly annoying phone calls from a creep.  That plot remains pretty consistent in both version of the film.  One of the biggest difference between the two films is that in the original the killer seems to be random and a pure maniac.  In the remake, as with most remakes these days, the killer is given a history and a reasoning behind why he is the way he is.  A lot of people do not like that; they prefer a killer to have no motive other than just being batshit psychotic.  The remake is more of a pure, full on gore fest flasher flick whereas the original could be deemed a little more “artsy” for lack of a better word.

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The movie is sprinkled with haunting Christmas music.  One of my favorite songs, Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy, is used many times in this movie.  There is something haunting about that song, especially when in the background of a dark hallway barely lit by twinkling garland when you know there is a spree killer on the loose.  One can never go wrong with The Nutcracker…

Some more reasons why you should watch this movie:
1) “Have you looked outside? It’s raining hail the size of Yao’s ball sack.”
2) “Fuck you, Santa Claus!”
3) “I’d like to bury the hatchet with my sister. Right in her head!”
4) “Christmas is more about warding off evil spirits than Halloween. What Christmas shit in this room resembles anything Christian, huh? It’s all neo-pagan magic. Christmas tree, a magical rite ensuring the return of the crops. The mistletoe is nothing but a conception charm. Fifth century Christians jacked a Roman Winter Festival – twelve days in December when the nights were long and the Earth was ruled by the demons of chaos. And fucking Santa Claus? This fat voyeur that watches you all year long to make sure you live up to his standards of decency before breaking into your house.”

Other movies aimed at bringing Christmas cheer to check out with some hot cocoa and a freshly sharpened kitchen knife by your side:

  1. P2 – the killer stalks her with Elvis Christmas music.  I’m in!
  2. Silent Night, Bloody Night
  3. Santa’s Slay – this movie has wrestler Goldberg starring as a murderous Santa.  And Fran Drescher gets her hair burned off before gruesomely drowning in eggnog.
  4. Jack Frost – a serial killer is in a chemical accident that turns him into a snowman.  He goes on a murder spree.  My favorite scene is when he melts himself in the bathtub and then reforms as a snowman and kills the girl in the tub.  Like she couldn’t tell the water was all of a sudden freezing?  Yeah… ok.
  5. Silent Night
  6. Don’t Open Till Christmas
  7. Silent Night, Deadly Night
  8. Gremlins – hey, it scared me to death as a child and is very heavily Christmas themed!  But now I just think Gizmo is totes adorbs.

For your own safety, remember not to watch these movies alone!  Besides, you need someone to refill your eggnog and get you more cookies so you can yell at all the victims on screen.  After watching all of the listed movies, you will never look at Santa the same way again (as if that fat and jolly, costumed voyeur needed one more reason to be the creepiest person on the planet).  Until next time: Ho ho ho-  have a Scary Christmas!

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