The Tacky Christmas Sweater: Just Add Glitter

We’ve all seen them.  We all know someone who has worn them.  And we, ourselves, probably wore them from time to time growing up thinking they were sensible, cool, and appropriate items of fashion.  How did we not know how tacky they truly were?  I think there were instances where we did, as a lot of the times they came in the form of a gift from a relative we did not like at all.  Don’t want to eat your carrots or spinach, young man?  YOU get a fruit cake and a tacky sweater for Christmas!  But there are others who thought it was a legit positive fashion statement to don such a masterpiece.  How did they not know the truth?  I guess the same way that Tina never knew what a coke-obsessed, abusive, and dipwitted thug Ike would become/always was.  I guess the same way that Britney woke up on January 1, 2007 and made her resolution, “This will be the best year for my image and brand ever!  I will reach limits no other female pop star has reached this year with my sane behavior and positive attitude!”

But alas, these tacky garments are making a comeback to the holiday season.  Who knew that Aunt Edna and Aunt Mildred had such cool threads hidden in that mothball-infused closet of hers?  According to research, the sweater as an actual garment has existed in the United States since the late 19th century.  However, hideously tacky holiday versions only began to surface in the last few decades.  Bill Cosby (yes, he was still a serial rapist then, too) was championing the trend and is actually worshiped and revered as an ugly sweater icon of the ages.  As Dr. Cliff Huxtable (Okay, so he was not the rapist, just the actor who portrayed him) on his timeless 80’s sitcom, the family man’s desired outfit of choice was typically a wooly pullover with questionable color mixing, shapes, and patterns.  Thanks to Mr. Cosby (moreover Dr. Huxtable), as well as the brilliant Chevy Chase in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, these “beautiful” sweaters experienced a booming resurgence until their popularity faded as the 90’s began.  But they are most definitely back!

Last night was the culmination of all the hard work put into our Christmas sweaters.  We had glitter in our eyes and hot glue gun burns on our fingertips, but we were able to muscle through the task.  What started with cheap sweaters from Goodwill (because we could not find any at Target, Wal-Mart, etc for men), ended with laughs and congratulations.  After finding the perfect sweaters, we can begin hunting down the right accessories, whozits, and gadgets to make the most bombastic tack-fabulous sweaters there.  We end up walking to the checkout lane at JoAnn Fabric with glitter glue, sequins, pompoms, boas, glitter felt, bells, ornaments, garland, a big “Ho Ho Ho” felt-covered metal sign, and more!  We were pumped and definitely filled with the Spirit of Tacky Christmas.

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As you can see above, we definitely had a mini craft store on our pub table.  I had already envisioned the themes/messages of the sweaters back at the end of October.  When my boyfriend and I won the Halloween costume contest (that we did not even know was a contest until we won it lol) we were told that revenge, a dish best served cold, would come back to us threefold for the tacky Christmas sweater get-together in December.  We had a reputation to uphold at this point, ladies and gents.

So, we get started.  We open up shop in our family room, turn on Netflix, get out our glue gun and our sewing thread and needles, and decide to show Martha Stewart who’s the boss a la Tony Danza (a little cock slapping to the face never hurt anyone… much) with our craft skills.

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I’ve got a package for you…

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She came in like a wrecking ball…

We arrive to the party and the house is unbelievable.  It is an old Victorian house with the coolest decorations ever, both Christmas and regular.  Everything is so unique and found at estate sales, auctions, storage units, etc (it is what they do).  Just check out some of the images below!

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There are still days left where you, too, can create a sweater and take it to your next party.  Be the hit!  Inspire others!  Laugh and get drunk!  Oh, yeah, and celebrate the real reason of the season: presents, duh!  Can’t wait to see what other people have done to make their sweaters the most tack-fabulous of the season!  And if there is a contest, may the odds be ever in your favor!

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