The 8 Stages of Busting Your Ass

As brilliant and perfect humans, we always know what we can and can’t do most of the times.  There are things we know are inevitably going to happen here or there, despite any preparation.  We know these things so well that we consider quitting our day job and turning tricks in the carnival as a fortune-teller where all we really have to worry about is which STD we will wake up owning.  But there are also things we never imagine can happen (to us, anyway) because they are too horrible to even consider.  They can turn a leader into a lemming.  They can steal away credibility from even the most looked-up-to person the way all the victims have stolen, ripped up, shredded, and said, “F*&^ your couch!” to Bill Cosby and his legacy.  These unfortunate events can even make you forget about all the awe and happiness inspired by the newfound Glittercatbowicornerrfly!

rainbwocat

One of the worst things to in the aforementioned category:  tripping.  I am not talking about sticking something on your tongue and then running from frozen sand sharks that burst from balloons you saw an octopus selling next to the taco stand floating on a cloud beside the Jolly Green Giant.  I am talking about how we take walking with grace for granted, and sometimes forces beyond our control remind us to be humble.  Just like many of life’s unfortunate events, there are some stages that each act of tripping must go through before we can #ShakeItOff and move on.

1.  Walking
In order to trip, we must first be walking.  Now, let’s be real.  Some of us walk like we are God’s gift to man, shaking that booty, nose and boobs as high in the air as they can be, wanting people to eyefuck the hell out of us.  Hair bouncing all over like a shampoo commercial, and you are walking like you own the world.  CAUTION:  this is a sure indicator that you are about to bust your ass.  Painfully hard.  But some others may be walking through a food court, up a flight of stairs, or even across the street.  Just know that there is a scientifically approved direct relationship stating that the more people who are around you, the greater your chances of falling down face first will be. 

emma_strut lea_strut strut

2.  The Trip Heard Round The World
Then it happens.  You start falling to the floor.  It’s almost slow motion.  Panic sets in and you want to die because you know what is about to happen.  You just start praying that you don’t actually injure yourself seriously causing even more embarrassment.  You never thought it would happen to you.  But it did.  It really did.  Welcome to your new life.  Welcome to the floor.  R.I.P. to your pride.

jlaw

3.  You Aren’t Dreaming; You Are Still On The Ground
You are where you never wanted to be or thought you would be.  As you start making sweet love to the floor, you might as well be horizontal in a casket six feet under.  This will be all people talk about the rest of the day.  There will be rumors flying that you drank too much.  This is it.  So you might as well just stay down for a few minutes like they do in football when they fake injuries after being overwhelmed with sheer embarrassment.

4.  Still On The Ground; Really Wanting To Die
Oh, don’t worry!  You are most definitely still on the ground giving the floor a noozle.  By this point, even more people are aware of what has happened and you have now made them uncomfortable and put them in an awkward position.  Nobody wants to help someone off the floor; but some people feel as if it is their duty to do the right thing.  Helping someone regain their dignity that was stolen from them like a thief in the night is definitely considered doing the right thing.  The embarrassment continues to pile up- what could be worse?!  Well… maybe the next stage in the life cycle… model_fall5.  Getting Up and Facing Everyone
Yeah… you can’t lie down forever.  And unless your best friends are Harry and Hermione and you have a cloak of invisibility, you are going to have to make eye contact with people and maintain a sense of composure as you put this nightmare behind you.  You’ll be alright as long as one of those onlookers isn’t Medusa.

6.  “Really, I’m… I’m alright!  It didn’t hurt… I’m fine, people!”
Having to tell total strangers that you are, in fact, not hurt (physically, that is) even though you most definitely are is one of the worst stages of the cycle.  Actually, they are all terrible.  Who am I trying to fool?  It’s like trying to fool the country that the Patriots aren’t a bunch of scum-sucking cheaters with wives more famous than their players.  It just doesn’t work. #SpyGate #DeflateGate

7.  Placing Blame
No one wants to take responsibility for falling unless they discovered a pile of cash when they landed.  Most people will blame President Obama, but there is a slim chance that he was actually the reason you lost control of your legs.  I mean, occasionally… yes, it is absolutely and without a doubt his fault.  But most of the time you just need to say nothing and walk away.  I bet the person below tried to blame the poor panda.  Unless he is a Jedi, it is unlikely…

falling-down-panda-gif
8.  Running Away To Cry
You managed to make it to the final stage of the tripping process.  Now your first order of action is to find the nearest restroom, closet, or office and start crying.  Cry from the broken wrist you now have.  Cry because you twisted your ankle.  Cry because you now have a bruise the size of Jupiter on your ass and sex will be awkward for about 2 weeks.  But most importantly, cry because you thought you were on fleek but you just collapsed in front of everyone.  And then cry because you know it is not the last time it will happen, although you made a vow to be more careful in the future.

dawson_crying

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4 thoughts on “The 8 Stages of Busting Your Ass

  1. The evolution of tripping has progressed. It get’s worse by the day. Thank you for this historic document of the current age trip. Who knows where we’ll be a decade from now. LOL No seriously, this is hilarious! Each instance is all too true.

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