There comes a time for us all when we question, “What is the meaning of life?” Many turn to religion or faith in something greater to help guide them and answer this question. Other people seek a more philosophical approach to the meaning of life. Some people may believe that the soul or spirit, after biological death, can begin a new life in a new body. Reincarnation is an interesting topic, for sure. And it’s because of that reason that I am not going to deny the truth any longer: Cinderella was real, and I was her in a past life.
It’s true. Just the other day my belief was solidified as I stood on the platform waiting for my train back home after a grueling day at work. I have been putting things together for some time now, taking notes when I had a medium enabling me to do so. Now that I have found the last piece of the puzzle, I will flil you all in on why I know I am born to reign, just like Cinderella did. It’s in my genetics.
1. I Am Not A Morning Person
Contrary to what you may think, what with her gracefully making the bed with birds and starting her chores, Cinderella is not a morning person. I also possess this trait. I will stay in bed until I feel like I have been worthless enough. A burning fire wouldn’t stir me; that is why I invested in flame retardant comforters. I will just hide and hide until the firemen come with their big hoses and spray that big, bad, nasty fire away.
2. I Leave Things Behind
We all know that the story of Cinderella wouldn’t be the same if she never lost her shoe. It never would have happened the way it did. Quick question: If her shoe fit so perfectly at the end of the movie, then how did it fall off in the first place? I digress. Just the other day, I, too, fled for my life. I was coming home from work and the train smelled so bad that I just up and left. But to my surprise, when I got to my car I realized I left behind my… ANTIBACTERIAL HAND SANITIZER. Whereas a handsome prince scoured the land to give her back her shoe, I pray every day that whatever hot mess of a tragedy on the train finds that sanitizer chooses to keep it, use it, and become a better smelling citizen. #Ghost
3. I Am a Hot Mess Partying Past Midnight
FIRST of all, what is this woman DOIN’ out until midnight anyway? She’s just dancing the night away with her “come f*#$ me” dress and facial expressions with some man she just met. Wow. Times have not changed. But if I am drinking and dancing and spending all that energy to try to get a piece of ass or a ring, then I am damn well going to freak out at midnight, too. Horses mutating into mice and carriages morphing into pumpkins is the least of your worries. I will be tired and throwin’ up in the car on the way home. I gotta give it to good ol’ Cindy for not busting it down the steps when she is running away. If that were me, I would have made a misstep, broken my glass slipper, fallen down the steps whilst rolling around in broken glass and probably slashed open my carotid artery on the glass heel of my shoe. Totes embares.
4. My Cat Can Be An Asshole, Too
I have this strange suspicion that if I am Cinderella reincarnate, then my cat must be Lucifer. I mean, we both are opposite genders than what is portrayed in the story, but that hardly seems relevant. My cat walks around like God’s greatest gift (even more so than most cats) from time to time. Sometimes when she thinks I am not looking at her, I can see she is plotting something…
And then it’s not always immediate, but her plan comes into fruition. She is very patient. And very clever.
5. Awkward First Dates
Some people really do want to settle down and have a life and a family. Others are okay with just being complete and total slutbags. I am not here to say which is better, I am just here to say that I am a believer in love, soul mates, and monogamy. How many of us felt pressured into sex on the first date? I was able to identify with Cinderella as she was obvi being wooed from the Prince because he wanted a little tang on the side.
6. I Get Mad; My Face Can’t Lie
Cinderella is a great actress. She gave the impression the entire story that she was well-put together and had love, acceptance, and patience for all. She is the epitome of perfection. But watch the movie again a little more closely. You can see it in her eyes. She has a dark side. She has anger. She is plotting revenge on everyone and she is definitely a woman not to f$&% with! We have that in common. Minus the woman part. I am not going to pretend to like your shit. I call a braid a braid and I do not entertain the idea of being cool when you suck.
7. I Can Be Narcissistic
These are days we all have in common. We are excited about going somewhere or doing something and we start to get ready. Some of us actually work for a living and don’t live with our parents and we are unable to have government handouts a la Fairy Godmother magic like Cinderella, so we have to do it all ourselves. But when we know we put all that work into it, it makes us feel even better about ourselves. I won’t lie; sometimes I have looked so good I almost did not even want to go out of the house because I liked looking at myself in the mirror. Whatever. Cinderella taught me that.
All of the aforementioned topics never really convinced me who I was in one of my former lives. But the next and final similarity was a dead giveaway.
8. I Can Communicate With Mice
That’s right, folks. Move over, John Coffey. I am the new sheriff in town when it comes to being a rodent conversationalist. Just the other day I saw a mouse scurrying about below the train tracks. I thought, “Oh, no, I hope he doesn’t get run over.” It’s as if he heard me because moments later, that bitch was ON THE TRAIN beside me. He knew I was speaking to him and I had saved his life. Part of me was expecting him to start sewing me a new tie to wear to work. But, no. He just hung out under the seat not really moving so much. He liked being near me.
When we stopped at the next station he ran out the door. I can only imagine that he was running to get GusGus and tell him our souls connected and that he had, in fact, found Cinderella after all this time. There would be a party below the trains. All the rodents are invited. The Queen has been found.
And if they really like me, they will bring over the anal beads the next time we come in contact.