Valentine’s Day is fast approaching and there are a few things we just can’t get off our minds: food (maybe chocolates or edible undies), alcohol, and sex. Okay, I am sure there are some more things on our minds. But if you go to a Hallmark store, more and more Valentine’s cards are catering towards these desires; sex and drugs make money. But what about all the people who do not have someone to make love to on the day of love? Do not just look for meaningless sex to fill that deep, deep void in your… heart. I can steer your mind away from sex with the help of some of my favorite horror movies. If you read this article and watch these movies, I will give you enough willpower to make it through the day you have been dreading all year long…
1. Rosemary’s Baby
Rosemary and Guy Woodhouse appear to be a paradigm of love and happiness when this movie begins. They just relocated to a new apartment, meet their neighbors, Guy’s career is skyrocketing, and they top it all off with the discovery that they are going to have a baby. What Rosemary does not know until it’s too late is that her husband uber-betrayed her with a Satanic gangbang where she is now carrying a demon spawn inside her. But who else has overlooked the fact they may or may not have been the part of some occult rape ritual just because they woke up with scratch marks on their back and couldn’t remember the night before? Just me?
2. Cabin Fever
College trips were always a big hoot. All the drinking, playing games, and having lots of sex without having to do homework or go to class? Sign me up! Oh, wait… that’s how it was when we were on campus, too. But you get where I am going with this, I hope. When a group of friends arrive at their cabin they are infected with this weird, flesh-rotting disease that results in lots of squishy, bloody, skin. What’s more romantic than finally kissing your childhood crush, putting your hands between her delicate thighs, going for that magical, glorious honey pot, and… realizing that it should not feel like warm lasagna and your fingers should not look like chunky marinara when you pull away. At least it was just his fingers. Men, there are things (besides camping out inside Kim Kardashian’s stench trench) that cannot be cured by drenching your whore thermometer with a bottle of antiseptic mouthwash
3. Last House on the Left
Growing up, I always loved vacationing with my family. It was always an exciting adventure to go to our beach/lake house and leave all the baseball practices, schoolwork, and chores behind me. I was free to run around, swim, ride my bike, and play with reckless abandon. I bet that is what Mari Collingwood thought in Wes Craven’s movie, Last House on the Left. Instead of enjoying nature in all it’s serenity, she is raped and murdered by some convicts on the loose. In the remake she has to watch her best friend get it before her. Her parents find out what happened because the convicts end up at their lake house to seek refuge from the oncoming thunderstorm. Their revenge includes a blow job with a bite… literally. Mike Tyson v. Evander Holyfield’s ear ain’t got nothin’ on this! The mother seduces one of the men who terrorized her daughter and totally pulls a Lorena Bobbitt on the fool. Watch out where you put your meat scepter guys… it may be best just to watch a movie and stay zipped up inside…
4. The Fly
Jeff Goldblum portrays a scientist in this classic remake trying to solve mankind’s lack of teleportation. His DNA mixed with a fly that happened to be in one of the devices causing him to gain some of the fly’s attributes. No big deal; I’m sure he was vaccinated against something like that unless he was convinced by some bonehead celebrity that he would get autism from doing so. But let’s just speculate he did not vaccinate for whatever reason (maybe because in this situation a vaccine wouldn’t do diddly to be honest). One thing he may want to avoid, as an educated scientist, is merging his DNA with a woman… a.k.a.having the sex. Raise your hand if you want to give birth to a giant fly or a maggot the size of a pumpkin! Ladies, when having the, “Are you clean?” talk that special someone you just met on Tinder or in the meat department at Publix with your upside down pineapple, do not simply stop with HIV and herpes. Make damn sure they don’t have any insect DNA co-mingled with their own, because I am not sure the morning after pill is effective against non-humans…
5. Killer Condom
I honestly can’t believe that I have even seen this movie, let alone that I remember it. I was younger when it came out and so I am sure I saw it on some Skinemax-esque channel late at night. The movie pairs together a police investigator and a male prostitute/gigolo to look into a series of male castrations. If you don’t wrap your weapon of ass destruction with a condom and want to have a baby, get HIV, or die, then you can just skip over this one as I am sure it does not sound menacing at all. But for those guys and gals who don’t want to take their kids to the high school daycare before Calculus at 7:45 in the morning, I am sure this will make you think twice about hooking up on Valentine’s Day. Killer condoms with teeth? Death by STD? Abstinence is the only answer.
6. American Psycho
Some of you will consider yourselves blessed and lucky to find a hookup as smoldering and gorgeous as Christian Bale (before he became Batman) this Valentine’s, I’m sure. Do not judge a book by it’s cover. Keep in mind that all chainsaw-wielding, axe-swinging, blood-obsessed psychos are not always giant eyesores. Take Ted Bundy as another example. He liked to bite the tips of young girls’ dairy pillows. But worse, Bale’s character likes to use his teeth to gnaw on that pink fortress… Stay safe and hang out with just your cat (not that cat…) this holiday!
7. Jennifer’s Body
Megan Fox qualifies as one of those ultra-hot women that are probably too sexy for you. So if you are the emo goth kid in school who invites her to a Rocky Horror screening and she agrees…? Yeah, she’s definitely gonna eat your stomach, lap up your blood, and feed off your life essence. That is her foreplay, not kissing each other while making tiny razor blade cuts on each others’ arms like you hoped. Stay away from super-hot popular people who you have to question why they are even looking at you, let alone talking to you. Yes, you.
Poor Sydney Prescott. She has really been put through the ringer. To quote Dolly Parton from Steel Magnolias, “When it comes to pain and suffering, she’s right up there with Elizabeth Taylor.” Her mother, the town whore and adulteress, was murdered. So she is already a little timid when it comes to releasing her sexual inhibitions and turning her PG relationship with her boyfriend into one of an R-rated theme. When she finally caves and gives into her “self-induced peer pressure” by making love to her bubble butt boyfriend, Billy, she learns he is actually the serial killer who has been butchering all of her friends, including her mother the year prior. Don’t be selfish. Hooking up with a serial killer will only put all your friends’ lives at risk. Think of others this Valentine’s Day and enjoy the solitude. Do not go throwin’ your baby cannon around like some porn star…
Men can be far more stupid when it comes to hooking up than women. There. I said it. I am a traitor to my own sex. I am not saying exceptions don’t happen, but if a knockout blonde 20x out of your league agrees to go home with you, she may have something else on her mind aside from your scruffy face and lack of washboard abs. All you care about is burying your cervix crusader… but did you ever think she may be a violent alien using you for your seed to repopulate earth with a new race? No. Of course you didn’t. OF COURSE not. You thought this Victoria’s Secret model was actually interested in you… that is until you start to feel her tongue bursting through the your throat and out the back of your head. Dead. Advice: Straight men, before taking a woman home with you, it’s best to talk to her for more than 20 seconds so you can get a read on her motives. But since they are too easily blinded by luscious blonde hair and gargantuan sweater stretchers, it may be best just to stay inside with some popcorn and a movie from Netflix this Valentine’s…
10. The Howling
For those of us in relationships, we will probably be doing a lot of howling this weekend… the good kind of howling (insert winky face). We have that luxury because we can trust who we are spending time with. For those simply seeking to fill a void on this fabricated holiday, howling may mean something entirely different. If you are willing to risk it, a little kink can be a little fun. But I am not sure turning into a werewolf or having your partner completely wolf out in the middle of a sexual encounter is considered “kink.” Watch this movie and be turned away forever! I can only imagine the size of a werewolf’s bologna baton… that alone intimidates and scares the living daylights out of me…
11. Friday the 13th series
Upon watching all of the movies in the series (which I shall be doing in preparation of this Friday- one of my FAVORITE days of the year), what have we learned? We have learned, if anything, that having casual, premarital sex is a recipe for getting killed. You either die while humping like rabbits or immediately following when you put on that over-sized t-shirt and head to the bathroom or downstairs to grab a beer. Why expose yourself to that type of risk just to satiate the desire for one day?
If there is any message I want you to take away from this post: try not to get impaled (in every sense of the word) this weekend… ❤