Jason Voorhees, A Misunderstood Man Attempting to Save the World Every Friday the 13th

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Friday the 13th occurs three times in 2015: February, March, and November.  It will only grace us once in 2016, so we need to make the most of it this year.  It is one of my favorite days of the year, mostly stemming from my love of horror movies, not because that was the day I lost my virginity.  For those who may be suffering from friggatriskaidekaphobia, an irrational fear of the date itself, I would recommend the following:

  1. Cover all mirrors.
  2. Do not open umbrellas indoors.
  3. Do not cross your fork and knife at the dinner table.
  4. Cover your mouth when you yawn.
  5. Engage in a Friday the 13th series marathon within the safety of your home!!!

The Friday the 13th franchise spans across 12 movies, including a crossover with A Nightmare on Elm Street and a reboot courtesy of Michael Bay.  Nearly 200 people are killed in the movies, so it can be hard to keep track of all the deaths.  To the casual observer, Jason is nothing but a maniac on the loose.  But I am here to clear his name by pointing out all the times that Jason has either been simply misunderstood or has been trying to do a service for humanity.

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1.  Big Kid At Heart
Jason’s childhood was taken way too early.  He never got the chance to mature at the normal developmental rate that most of us did.  In the second movie, he is playing dress-up as a farmer with a pitchfork (or a poor man’s KKK costume, I am unsure).  But either way, he is trying to use his imagination and play with all the new kids on the block.  He’s been so lonely since his mother died.  The picture below shows Jason innocently playing hide-and-seek.  He is found hiding under the sheets and the girl starts screaming, which simply frightens Jason.  He has to make her stop screaming somehow…

jason_hideandseek

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2.  AA Sponsor
Jason targets both under age drinking and solo binge drinking.  Nothing screams, “I am an alcoholic and need help!” more than a young man or woman drinking alone until it’s time to black out.  There is no better advocate for your sobriety than Jason.  He decides brutal intervention is the only way to save the kids and to save their families the heartache and pain of watching their children circle the drain into an oblivion of pain and despair.  He will definitely keep you sober…

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3.  Defender of Wildlife
Growing up at Camp Crystal Lake in the woods, Jason is no stranger to nature’s beauty.  I am sure he used to frolic with the bunnies and deer after lunch.  Because of this, Jason really wants the lake’s visitors to follow the mantra “Leave No Trace.”  He encourages responsible, non-motorized outdoor activities with minimal impact on public recreational areas.  Most teenagers couldn’t give a crap about the environment and leaving nothing behind but footprints.  In order to stop the desecration of nature, Jason has noticed a negative correlation trend with “Leave No Trace” and girls in sleeping bags.  There is only one thing he can do to save Mother Earth.  Smokey the Bear says only HE can prevent forest fires…

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jason_sleepingbag44.  Decreasing the National Deficit
The U.S. federal budget deficit is probably the world’s most cited economic statistic.  Jason is doing his part to reduce that number by eliminating a portion of our country’s homeless population.  Less welfare.  Less free health care.  Less free cell phones floating around.  Jason is not a complete monster; he makes the rational decision to target the crazies.  If you’re ever in the woods and a man starts babbling about impending doom or talking in gibberish that you cannot understand, you definitely don’t want to be around him for too long as to avoid being in the line of fire.

f13_crazyman

obama_approves5.  Give Hugs, Not Drugs
We’ve all heard the slogan, “Hugs not drugs!” in our lifetimes.  I was in 5th grade when a giant cop came in with a beastly wolf of a dog spreading this message to us.  Uhh… I was a little scared of both cops and dogs after that point… and I started thinking I needed drugs to numb the pain and forget how scared I was.  Can we bombard little kids with anything worse?  Jason, on the other hand, practices what he preaches.  He is a man of action, trying to actually give kids hugs without having to creepily lure them into his basement full of popsicles.  Someone, please just give him a hug. He saw that episode of Saved By The Bell where Jessie is on drugs and she was saved when Zack hugged her!

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6.  Guest Coach on Dancing With The Stars
When it comes to dancing all the right moves, there is no better judge or coach than Jason.  He has seen it all and he knows a great dancer when he sees one.  Because the images below do not do the scenes justice, I will provide links to YouTube where you can see and hear them.  The first image depicts a young girl in a mental institute doing a dance similar to The Robot.  Below that you can see Crispin Glover doing… doing… uh…. I have absolutely no idea.  Move over, Derek Hough.  Jason is looking to replace you… that is, as soon as he stops ridding the world of TERRIBLE dancers who have no right to procreate those terrible genes…

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7.  Free Medical Advice
We have all heard, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”  Apples contain Vitamin C.  They prevent heart diseases.  Apples are low in calories, somewhere between 70-100 calories.  Apples contain phenols, which have a double effect on cholesterol. It reduces bad cholesterol and increases good cholesterol.  Eating apples is part of balanced and healthy diet than will increase your longevity.  You know what the doctor didn’t say?  He never said, “A banana a day keeps the doctor away.”  Because he cares about promoting good health and better nutrition, Jason has to make an example out of those trying to send a different message.  Does your insurance cover that kind of FREE medical advice?  Forget Geico, I just saved 100% by listening to Jason…

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8.  Obesity In America
How many times have you been in Target and seen someone riding around on one of those motorized carts simply because they were obese?  They walk in, get in the cart, and run everyone over like a rude bitch the entire time.  Then after they check out, they walk out of the store like nothing was ever wrong with them.  This pisses Jason off!  He does not like people abusing the system so true handicapped or injured people have to suffer more inconvenience because some lazy asshole is taking their wheelchair instead of walking off some of those pounds…

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9.   Decrease Teenage Pregnancy
They really have high schools with daycare centers these days?  There are enough girls in high school who get pregnant that justifies the cost of building and employing a daycare at a high school?!  Jason is not a fan!  Sex is not a right to life; it is a privilege.  If people are having sex, they should do so knowing the potential consequences.  The answer to getting pregnant should not be having your parents or teachers raise your child for you.  Think of all the new lockers and football equipment that money could go towards funding instead.  Thankfully, Jason was raised in a football town.  He knows all too well how a community can thrive when the football team is winning state championships.  Because Jason likes to avoid the political controversy of pro-life/pro-choice/feminism, he knows what he has to do.  Jason Voorhees: Defender of Abstinence.  He must stop the sperm from ever reaching the egg…

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I hope the 9 reasons I listed above help persuade you that Jason Voorhees is an asset to society.  He is trying to prevent the degradation of both the United States and mankind in a multitude of ways by increasing our psychological, environmental, financial, sociological, and entertainment values.  We should look to him as our moral compass.  We can truly have a better life if we listen to what Jason is trying to tell us.  We should come to embrace Friday the 13th instead of running away in fear.  But no matter how afraid we could ever be of that dreadful day, it is nothing compared to the sadness Jason feels when it doesn’t happen…

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24 thoughts on “Jason Voorhees, A Misunderstood Man Attempting to Save the World Every Friday the 13th

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    • Thanks so much for the kind feedback! I do what I can to make people laugh and take life a little less seriously because it’s important from time to time 🙂

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  6. Yes. He is no crazy man who kills all people he sees. You see the young girl ore something. He looks at her but after 10 seconds he went away. Means that he only want revwnge for his mother. Also in the city. This asshole punks with the radio are want to fight. He only turns around, looked at them, and went away. So he is no man who is crazy, and only wants to kill all people. He is missunderstood, and saved people! Example: freddy vs jason. Freddy cames and want to hit them. He kills him, and saved them

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