Snow and ice storms are ripping through the South. Trees are spilling onto the roads due to the weight of the ice on their branches. Schools, businesses, and government agencies are delayed and closed. Temperatures plummet to historical lows. With all that being noted, I just received a text message from my boyfriend that he saw a man crossing an intersection wearing a t-shirt, shorts, and sandals. You, sir, are a douchebag. Urban Dictionary defines a douchebag as “an individual who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intelligence, behaving ridiculously in front of colleagues with no sense of how moronic he appears.” Because we should always strive to surround ourselves with those who encourage, inspire, and challenge us, we clearly have no time to deal with douchebags. Below are some tips that you may know or be friends with a total douchebag. They may think they are cool, but we know the truth: they are annoying and arrogant phonies.
Selfies dominate most social media platforms. They have even become so widely accepted that we now have selfie-sticks so it does not look like we are actually taking a selfie. Don’t get me wrong; there’s nothing wrong with a good selfie from time to time. But when did taking selfies in the bathroom become… attractive? So many men and women littler my Instagram “trending” feed by taking mirror-selfies in the bathroom. Could you be more vain and any more of a complete douchebag?
Parking Like a Complete Asshole
I see it every day. Some frat-asshole parking his red Camaro in two spots so no one will park beside him. Really? But taking up two spots pales in comparison to the reject who chooses to park diagonally while potentially taking up four spaces. Usually the car taking up four spaces is some big Yukon or Escalade. Just admit you are a pathetic human who should never have purchased a vehicle so large that you are unable to properly operate. All our lives will be simpler. Please make the world a better place by visiting www.youparklikeanasshole.com and helping end this madness, one douchebag driver at a time.
Changing Lanes Incessantly to be One or Two Cars in Front of Me
This speaks for itself. I absolutely detest drivers who fly around like Jeff Gordon, weaving in and out of traffic like they are on their way to the last Twinkie on this planet. Bitch, slow down and be patient. We are still both stuck at the same red light, so besides increasing the likelihood of a wreck, what did you really accomplish? Oh, yeah. You just got more douchebag points. Congrats!
Bragging About All The Sex
Do you ever walk into a bar or party and you know someone who counts all their disgusting hookups and then broadcasts it to everyone around? That is the pinnacle of douchebaggery. In reality, people could care more about herpes sores on a Kardashian than the amount of people who were pathetic and drunk enough to spend 9 minutes naked with you. Get over yourself. We are embarrassed for you, especially since most of them look like meth head rejects with zero style or class. Bravo, slut.
Constantly Documenting “Getting Swoll” at the Gym, Bro
Oh, it’s leg day? Oh, you burned 654 calories on the treadmill? Newsflash: no one gives a flat, pasty ho’s ass what you have been up to at the gym. It seems that ever since Jersey Shore coined the “Gym. Tan. Laundry” mantra that people all of a sudden think we care when they are working out. Quit telling us about all the “work” you are doing to your body and let us notice for ourselves. Trust me, you’ll feel a lot better when someone notices how much better you look out of the blue than because you expected us to know due to your relentless Facebook and Instagram posts. An even bigger douchebag is one who goes to the gym for just 15 minutes and takes a “sweaty” pic and posts it and leaves. Also, you should not spend more time at the gym than you do at work. “Gym rat” is synonymous with douchenozzle. Bye.
The Best Whey Protein
Jeff Foxworthy’s new book: You Might Be A Douchebag If…You Argue About the Greatest Whey Protein. Seriously, no one cares about what you mix with your almond butter and unicorn sperm in the mornings before your workout. No one cares that you are using creatine and other enhancements. What we do care about is how you think you’re cool walking around shirtless or in your wife beater arguing about the best workout nutrition while your balls slowly shrivel into sun-dried tomatoes. We care because we are always looking for a good laugh, ya douchebag.
Wearing Beats by Dre as a Fashion Accessory
You look stupid walking around in your suit at work with headphones the size of Princess Leia’s hair buns. Who cares if the sound quality is so “on fleek.” How important is it during the 5 minute walk from your car to your office/desk that you display how much money you spent on your headphones? You know what? Keep on wearing them. That way I can yell, “Douchebag alert!!” when you walk by with your nose in the air and you won’t be able to hear me. Thanks. A friendly co-worker may even reward me with lunch after seeing that.
Standing on the Left Side of the Escalator
While I am on the topic of walking to work from your car or the train, I want to touch base on another douchebag thing to do: standing on the left side of the escalator. This may seem insignificant to some of you, but I promise this is a great example of a douchebag if there ever was one. Everyone knows the left side is for people who choose not to be uber-lazy and ride the moving staircase. Standing on the left side, knowing that people want to pass you, and refusing to budge makes you a douchebag that I want to throw down the escalator. Everyone hates you.
Over 20 and Employed at Abercrombie
You might smell sexcellent, but you’re still a total dipwad. You are over 20 and still work at a retail brothel catered towards all the other douchey McDoucheslut tweens? Kill yourself. Those 1:30-5:45p shifts you long for are a complete waste of your time and everyone who knows you should be ashamed. Get a real job. Get an internship. Do something for your community. Grow up and stop being a total d-bag longing for the next beer pong tournament.
Pimping Shitty Cars
You are not Paul Walker. You are not a rapper. You are not a race car driver. And you don’t drive a Maserati; you drive a Ford Focus. Don’t put reflective tinting on the windows. Don’t put lights under your car. And for God’s sake do not put “fancy” rims on that Toyota Corolla. Doing any of these things will qualify you for Fast and the Furious 26: Douchebags in Dubai. Honk honk.
Posing with the Backwards Peace Sign
You aren’t cool. And you definitely aren’t Tupac, may he rest in peace. Flashing the backwards peace sign is a sure indicator that you also have this dumbass “my shit don’t stink” smirk on your slightly upwards-tilted face. I want to take that peace sign and gouge out your eyeballs and upload it to the Douchebag channel on YouTube.