We Are All Goonies


One of my favorite movies growing up was The Goonies.  The movie had it all: adventure, friendships, mystery, comedy, music, etc.  I can always pop in my DVD of this movie whenever I want to be put in a better mood.  Who didn’t want to find a map to buried treasure when they were little?   Who didn’t want to go on adventures with their friends like they did?  Aside from being held captive by the Fratellis and being chained up next to Sloth in a drippy, dank dungeon, what’s not to dream about?  Oh, as Data mentioned, the octopus was really scary, too!  But in the end, I love The Goonies because of all the life lessons it taught me.  As you may have noticed about me now, I learned a lot from movies when I was growing up.  I did not just watch them for entertainment purposes.  What did I learn from The Goonies?  Let’s see…

Always Mix Your Drinks
Fewer things in life are better than a fantastic cocktail.  Cocktails are one of God’s greatest gifts to us in this topsy-turvy world.  After all, it combines two of my favorite things into one word!  How can it not be amazing?  However, nothing can ruin a drink faster than not mixing/stirring it properly.  All the alcohol is on the top or the bottom and not blended properly.  You need to properly mix the liquids in order to optimize the flavor for maximum enjoyment!  It may seem tedious, but it will be worth it in the end.  Thanks, Mouth.


Rare Disease Awareness
At this point in my young life, I had not seen Cujo.  I had no idea that rabies was such a scary, horrible viral disease.  I never understood what was going on at the end in Old Yeller (other than my entire world crumbling as the tears flowed from my eyes), but thanks to The Goonies I was able to do my own research due to the famous scene where the bats are flying around all willy nilly.  I learned that rabies was not something I wanted and that I should stay away from all dogs, bats, and rabbits.  Thank God for Louis Pasteur and the vaccine he created in 1885.  Foaming at the mouth and going crazy is only fun after a night of vodka tonics and strippers.  Ain’t nobody got time for that!



Accept Your Strengths
Just because you hate doing something that does not mean you may not be the best at it.  Unfortunately, sometimes the things we dislike the most about ourselves can serve as some of our biggest assets and strengths.  We all posses talents of different shapes and sizes (not referring to breasts or genitals in this case) that can be used in collaboration with others to achieve maximum results.  Acceptance is crucial.  Sometimes you just gotta own your fate and do the Truffle Shuffle…

Making panties wet since 1985
Making panties wet since 1985


Know When To Speak Up
There are times in life when people look to you for advice (maybe you are even in a leadership role).  But there are also times when you should give your input or advice without being asked for it.  In The Goonies, Chunk discovers the Fratellis’ Jeep hidden in the carport at the restaurant riddled with bullet holes.  Maybe his friends did not believe him when he embellished the story earlier, but they need to now.  And he knows he needs to do whatever he can to convince them he is telling the truth!


Know When To Keep Quiet
On the other hand, there are times when you should know when to stay silent and just shut your pie hole.  It’s not always wise to lay all your cards out for everyone to see.  A little mystery can sometimes provide you with the upper-hand in a situation.


Learn a Foreign Language
There are more benefits in learning a foreign language aside from broadening your horizons, expanding your culture, and being able to communicate with more people in the world.  Most importantly, I was always so jealous of Mouth and how he scared the living daylights out of Rosalita by translating everything that Mrs. Walsh was saying.  I always desired to be “that friend” who knew another language and could do that and impress my friends.


Always Be Prepared
Don’t you just hate when you are out somewhere and you aren’t as prepared as you know you could be?  Sometimes you need more than a cell phone with an app for anything or a Swiss army knife to get you through the day.  Thanks to Data, I am always prepared.  Screw the Boy Scouts.  Data is my teacher in preparedness.  Data was the Tony Stark of the group, always willing to take a risk and solve a problem in a seemingly unconventional method.



Never #2 In Public
There are many reasons pooping in public is disgusting, vile, and completely inappropriate.  I am not going to get into that.  I am going to speak to the physical dangers of pooping in public.  You are unable to control your environment like you can from inside the safety of your own home.  You have no way of limiting your exposure to all the external risks that are associated with a public bathroom.  Clinch your cheeks and go home, people.



Embrace Your Inner-Freak
We all have attributes that we think make us less desirable.  Elphaba is a green-skinned girl who is destined to be the Wicked Witch of the West.  Elsa from Frozen thinks she is a danger to herself and others because of her powers.  And Anna Nicole Smith was so trashy she put Honey Boo Boo to shame.  We have to figure out a way to turn our “weakness” into our strength.  We need to accept who we are and what we can do.  In doing so, we can truly begin living.  We can take that lesson and transform it: Never judge a book by its cover.



Love Is Everywhere
Again, this is another lesson I learned early in life.  At this point in time, the only love I knew about was the kind I saw in Disney movies and read in fairy tales.  Love was always predictable and occurred in the most expected places.  Not until I saw The Goonies did I discover that you can find love in a hopeless place (this was way before Ri Ri made a song about it…) and in the most dire of circumstances.  No situation is so bad that you are blinded from seeing or feeling love.  Your hands are never tied so tightly that you can’t grab love everywhere you look.  Even after walking the plank of a pirate ship you can find love like Brand and Andy.  Or maybe they are just two extremely horny teenagers looking for nookie any place they can get it…


Always Tell The Truth
Life is just easier if you tell the truth from the beginning.  People will typically find out you are lying sooner or later.  Confessing can also be very therapeutic.  There is no need to be threatened by having your hand shoved in a blender.


Pay Attention In Piano Class
Okay, so we all were not forced to take piano lessons.  Piano lessons can be a metaphor for all the things our parents forced us to do that we hated.  You never know when you may need those skills to save the lives of you and your friends.  We need to trust that our parents have our best interests at heart and are always trying to find ways to teach us lessons, even if those lessons are indirectly enforced.



Great Adventures Begin With Great Penises
I realized I was not alone in the world when I saw this movie.  Mrs. Walsh’s favorite piece on the statue was the penis.  My favorite part is the penis, too!  This fact solidified my love for the movie within the first 20 minutes of viewing.  I knew I would begin taking everything this movie has to offer as canon.  The Goonies is an 80’s child’s BIble.  And who knows?  Maybe if Chunk had not broken the penis off the statue then Mikey would have never asked him to hold the frame containing the map so it would break and he could retrieve it, thus beginning the entire trek for One-Eyed Willy’s rich stuff!



Know Your Comfort Food
We’ve all had days that make us want to eat or drink our feelings, which is okay every now and then.  I never understood the term “comfort food” until I saw The Goonies.  But I am thankful that Chunk taught me this lesson because it has definitely saved my life more times than I can count.  I prefer a lot of vodka, whiskey, or marshmallow cream.  And that’s okay!  What about you…?



Compliments Are Like Penises: They Come In Different Shapes and Sizes
It’s not always as simple as, “Your new haircut looks great!” or “I really like how that sweater brings out the blue in your eyes!”  Sometimes you have to really think about what someone just said and extrapolate the compliment from what came across as an insult.  Likewise, it can be fun to hide a compliment inside an insult to someone.  You can throw shade on someone at any given moment and still like them as a whole at the same time.  Wonderful!


Cussing Makes You Feel Better
It’s true.  Almost nothing makes you feel better than just saying all the cuss words you can think of when you’re angry.  Let all the rage out!  Be as verbal as you want to be!  Expel all that negative energy and exorcise the demons!  If you want to ante up your game you can always try throwing, breaking, or punching something, too.


Friends Are A Necessity
The movie is constantly emphasizing the importance of friendship.  It also shows that you can form bonds with some of the most unlikely people.  Who would have thought this rag tag team of kids would respect each other with all their differences?  They are in different grades, they are in different social castes, and they are even different races.  None of those things matter once they set off on their adventure and get to know each other.  I learned that life is truly better with friends by my side.


Goonies Never Say Die
Lastly, I learned that my life’s goal was to become a Goonie.  And the number one rule of the Goonies?  NEVER SAY DIE!



11 thoughts on “We Are All Goonies

  1. Holy smokes, I LOVE the Goonies! Great movie. I totally understand how you drew all these conclusions from it; my worldview was also shaped by seeing lots and lots and fantastic movies as a kid. Also, I’ve always thought that Sloth must be Jason Voorhees’ long-lost benevolent twin brother!

    1. Movies are definitely more than just entertainment as we grow up… they teach us lots of different things whether they are aimed at doing so or not!

      Love the Sloth/Jason connection 🙂

  2. Yay, Goonies! I’m all grown up and old now, but my mom still calls me to bitch about how it’s like my childhood around there all over again, because there’s nothing on but Goonies (which is actually unfair – there were other viewing options! The Lost Boys, Beetlejuice and Stand by Me were also all on the table…all the time.)

      1. Holy cats, don’t get me started on Beetlejuice either, ’cause I’m already there! My blog is ostensibly about nail art, but I swear 3/4ths of the references are to Beetlejuice. It is my FAVOURITEST. Glad to find someone else with impeccable taste in ’80s flicks. 🙂

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