My cat is one of the most important things in the world to me. Many people see their pets as part of their own families. We call them our furbabies. But like many of you cat owners out there, I sometimes find it difficult to discern whether or not my cat loves me to the moon and back or if she is trying to kill me every day with every bit of her nine lives. Cats can be complete assholes, but maybe they are just misunderstood? Perhaps they are not constantly seeking the guidance of Satan like we think and they just have unique ways of showing us.
The Yawn of Doom
Every morning when I tumble out of bed and I stumble to the kitchen, I pour myself a cup of ambition. And I hide. I hide for my safety. I HIDE FOR MY LIFE. My cat seems to arise from her dark slumber at the same time I wake up every day. Either she hears my alarm go off or the evil spirits from beyond alert her to my waking presence. Either way, as soon as I turn around she has silently stalked her way behind me. It never fails that she starts yawning when I first notice her. At least I hope she is yawning and not silently screaming to her Satanic masters for my immediate destruction. It is neither of the two aforementioned actions. She simply loves me so much that when she opens her mouth to try and meow it from the rooftops no noise comes out. I tend to have that effect on most people…
My Cat Is Mike Tyson Incarnate
While I am picking out my clothes to wear to work my cat will hop on the bed and watch me. She rolls around on the bed and begs me to rub her tummy and chin. How can I resist that adorable, sweet fa-OOOOUCH! She bit me! At first I used to think it was a little love nibble. But I am not so naive, as it was obviously premeditated because before it happened she wrapped both her arms and paws around my wrist to hold it in place. Sorry, kitty. Your attempt to slash open my wrists has failed. And now I may or may not give you wet cat food before I leave the house. You may just be stuck with the dry bits of astronaut food.
Finger Lickin’ Good
One of my favorite things about cats is their ability to take care of themselves. One of these actions includes bathing/grooming themselves. Often when I catch my cat partaking in a little bath and we make eye contact she will stop. She will follow up with a meow and then run over to my side. The next thing I know it feels like Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor is driving an electric sander over my flesh. I just close my eyes, pray for it to be over as soon as possible, and keep telling myself that cats only groom/bathe other cats or humans that they adore. And try not to think about where her tongue has been…
Auditioning For The Next “Children of the Corn”
Have you ever just been in the kitchen making yourself a BLT and you notice your cat just staring at you from across the kitchen? Or have you ever been in bed and looked down the hallway and your four legged friend is just watching you sleep from a distance looking like the freaky girls from The Shining? It’s as if your cat is trying to summon your soul and essence out of your body with the power of its eyes. The feeling is deep. While my first thought is to look around the room for Isaac and the other blank-faced Children of the Corn or check the broom closet for sickles and scythes, I must remember what I read about cats one time. They only stare at people they trust. It is a sign of honor and respect for a cat to look at you. Cats know how to kiss with their eyes, even if it seems really freaky and Stephen King-y…
Crushing Your Balls
I hang out on the couch a lot and watch Netflix. I curl up under a blanket and just mind my own business. Then out of nowhere like a jungle cat bursting through the leaves to strike its prey, my cat leaps on the couch and pounces on my lap. She decides she wants to cozy up and take a nap on my soft blanket and proceeds to start stomping my balls. If she is not mashing my baby makers then she is “massaging” my body somewhere else aka checking for weaknesses in my internal organs. And while she is performing River Dance on my nuts I’m not sure if I should grit my teeth and wait it out or if should pick her up and place her on the ground. In doing the latter, I will undoubtedly be on the lookout the rest of the night for her to leap from the shadows onto my face where she will attempt to play Freddy Krueger on my face. So I just try to convince myself that she is doing what the vets call “kneading,” which is how kittens facilitate nursing from their mothers. Adult cats only continue that behavior when they feel the most relaxed, happy, and loved. Love hurts…
Bring Out Your Dead!
My cat has seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail one too many times. Her favorite scene is definitely where they are roaming around the town with a wheelbarrow collecting the deceased citizens yelling, “Bring out your dead!” How did I come to this rationalization? It’s the only explanation as to why she always brings me dead things. It’s like I go get the mail and she drags a dead bird to the door before I return. Or when I go to my car to collect the groceries I almost trip on a dead vole on the front steps. From everything I have read, this is actually a sign of affection as the cat thinks it is giving you a gift. If it happens to you, just thank your cat, pet it on the head, and let it go on about its business… and then throw that dead, rotting “present” in the trash. Whatever you do, don’t let your cat see you do this. You don’t want it trying to drag your dead body somewhere next…
Making Sweet, Passionate Love To Your Laptop
I can’t even open my computer without my cat racing over to jump on the keyboard. As she hears me type, it’s as if the keys clicking speak to her like a Latin lover, whispering sweet, poetic nothings into her ears. Then she appears to answer the call of her Puss N Boots as she walks over the keyboard like she’s doing laps for Relay For Life. The next thing I know, my cat begins her attempt to sleep on my keyboard. It’s like she just had the best sex of her life, her legs buckle, and she collapses. I need to realize she is not doing this to piss me off. She really does care for me! She wants to be the center of attention and the center of my world… and she can’t help it that the laptop is so warm and buzzing like The Hitachi Magic Wand.
Being A Creepy Voyeur
My cat must think I am the sexiest person ever (at least someone does!) because she never misses an opportunity to see me naked. She hears my pants unbutton and she starts her Olympic sprint to wherever I am. This is an issue when it’s time for some bow-chicka-wow-wow. Lots of flesh and razor sharp claws are NOT a good combination. How can I combat this? I can use my human brain and close the door! I don’t think any demon she worships can grant her the ability to phasewalk through a door, so it’s definitely my best option at some privacy. But then I hear it.. her paw swatting under the door. I wouldn’t be surprised if the next time it happens she is flailing a butcher knife around like Michael Myers on Halloween. I’m just waiting for her to bust in like a psychopathic serial killer.
The moral of the story is to remember one thing: your cat loves you! Contrary to its erratic behaviors and multiple attempts to assassinate you, you can always be sure that you cat will be there for you. If you ever need reassurance, simply recite the Lord’s Prayer in front of her. She will probably just sit there and look at you. On the off chance she starts to flip her shit like someone who is about to save $5 on a coffee maker from Wal-Mart on Black Friday, then you should probably stealthily make your way to the nearest room, close the door, and call the police, your vet, your pastor, and all your loved ones. And tell them… GOODBYE!