There have been many exciting events the past few days! First we had our second Friday the 13th of 2015 (we will have one more in November). Then the next day was a Pi Day for the record books: 3.14.15 @ 9:26:53 AM/PM. And to end it all we are seeing green from wall to wall and floor to ceiling for days! St. Patrick’s Day is today! In honor of the weekend as a whole and to celebrate the horror of Friday the 13th, the nerdiness of Pi Day, and the wonders of St. Patty’s Day, I am going to talk a little about the cult classic, Leprechaun. The Leprechaun series is one of the most iconic franchises in the “WTF horror movie” category.
Jennifer “Gonzo” Anniston’s Debut
Looking back on Leprechaun, I can’t believe how scared I was of this when I was just a wee lad. The movie is so fake, full of puns, and just straight up ridiculous. I laugh more than I cower now. Leprechaun is borderline precious. You want to know what IS scary about this movie? Not only is Jennifer Anniston’s acting beyond horrible, but her nose is most definitely pre-plastic surgery. I would run from her nose before running from Leprechaun chasing me on his little pogo stick. But I am glad she was in this movie before the nose job because it added some genuine horror to it.
Can You Have Too Much Black?
Is this what reject goth kids look like before they wash their hair and invest in some Proactiv? Let’s be real for a second. Leprechaun’s lips are HORRIFYING!! I feel bad for all the women he tries to kiss and lick. His lips look like a blind emo kid’s failed attempt at using lip liner. If Jennifer’s schnoz is not terrifying enough, you can always count on Leprechaun’s DSLs to strike fear in your heart.
Schlong Never Goes Out Of Style
Not that it bothers me, but I think Leprechaun may be a little closeted, repressed, and totes homosexual. The way he objectified women and tried to order a bride sort of just screams closet case. Anyone else singing R. Kelly’s “Trapped In The Closet?” But my point is this: just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you can just run all over God’s green earth, hide in corners or drawers, and grab penises like they’re going out of style! Imagine if you were just hanging out on your tawdry sex app and a scaly, gross claw reached out of your cell phone and squeezed your giant pork sword… RUDE! Taylor Swift just turned 3 before this movie released, so I can’t blame Leppy for not knowing that man snatch never goes out of style.
Delivert From Childhood Obesity
Now this boy can eat. I lubs me some foods. When I was a chiseller (Irish slang for “young child”) I used to always sneak out of bed at night and get some snacks and watch some TV. I was never big into sleeping too much. But I was 7 when I saw this movie and I think it had a positive impact on my health and nutrition. Who’s not scared of some midgety, leprechaunish murderer equipped with buckles and leggings popping out of their fridge when all they wanted was some pound cake? I mean really. By my 8th birthday I could officially say, “I don’t like snacks, no mo’. I am DELIVERT!!!”
Persistence Is Key
I have ADHD like nobody’s business. One moment I am talking about sports stats and the next I’m – oh, hey, gurl… what does she really think she’s wearing?? You see my point? I have always been impressed by Leprechaun’s persistence in getting what he wants and not letting anything distract him. He still has his eyes on the prize until the very last breath he takes. This must be what Lance Armstrong is like after he was stripped of his 7 Tour de France medals. Too far?
Waste Not, Want Not
Now when this movie came out I was years and years away from tasting that first divine drop of alcohol. I had no idea the wonders in store for me when that precious liquid would dance on my tongue for the very first time. I mean, when I was little I drank out of the water hose, ate dirt, rode my bike without a helmet, never used seat belts, and walked a couple of miles to and from school, but I would never think to ACTUALLY endanger myself by drinking a tiny amount of alcohol at an early age. But as God is my witness, now that I am of age and thanks to Leppy, my thirst will never go unquenched again!
Learn To Ghost
These days whenever you go to a party or out to dinner/the bar with friends, there are SO many people. Because we live in the social media age where it is so easier to get a hold of everyone, it makes it simpler to organize events with more and more and more people. I find that I spend more time telling everyone goodbye than I actually do at the event itself. I read an article once that teaches us just to “ghost” out of the party. Just kinda leave. In the end, no one cares if you’ve left because they have 20+ other people to talk to. Also, how totally awkward is it to creepily inch closer and closer towards the host making yourself increasingly conspicuous just so they can pause whatever conversation they were having to tell you bye? Sure, there is some politeness in this dated parting gesture. But there’s a better way to leave, a way that saves time and painful angina: GHOST OUTTA THAT BITCH! “Ghosting—aka the Irish goodbye, the French exit, and any number of other vaguely ethnophobic terms—refers to leaving a social gathering without saying your farewells. One moment you’re at the bar, or the house party, or the Sunday morning wedding brunch. The next moment you’re gone. In the manner of a ghost.”
And so I will. #Ghost