“Someday my prince will come.” “There are more fish in the sea.” “If you love someone, let them go. If they come back they were meant to be.”
We have all heard those phrases before whether we are happily in love now or have been at some point in our lives. Most of the phrases are simply full of bullshit because no one really cares that you aren’t in a relationship, they just don’t want to hear you whine and mope about it. Love is out there for everyone. Charles Manson found it. Mama June (the alien slug mother to Honey Boo Boo) found it. And even Lindsay Lohan has found it… a few hundred thousand times. My point is… if they can find love, then why can’t you? If you don’t want it, that’s fine. But let’s look at all these potential soul mates out there for you and reasons why they would be perfect for you.
Carrie White (Carrie)
She’s 17, she has superpowers, and she’s a virgin. What more can you really ask for? Imagine that you are binge watching Netflix in bed and your remote controller batteries die. Ugh… who is going to get up and confirm with Netflix that you are, in fact, still watching whatever it is you are watching? Never fear! Carrie can just telekinesis that TV in the face and no one has to move. Physical activity: avoided! You know what else? She’s not pressured into being some over-religious zealot like some people (Christian fundamentalism). She is her own woman and makes her own choices regardless of the pressures her mother places upon her. She takes her sin to the bedroom…
You know another killer reason she would be perfect for you? She is SUPER FUN at parties! Never again would you have to fear being bored at a party. Carrie’s ability to bring out the livelihood in people is remarkable. She really gets people moving and adds a special energy to the room. I bet she would be amazing in Charades. AND she was even PROM QUEEN! Talk about a legend! You would be blessed to have her…
Norman Bates (Psycho)
He’s extremely handsome. I mean, homeboy has it goin’ ON! He’s sexy in that sweet, shy, adorkable kind of way. Norman is successful in knowing how to run a business. And he absolutely loves his mother. You can really see the kindness in a man and have a glimpse at how he will treat you based on the way he treats his mother. Norman would do anything for his, and you know that means he would do anything for you, too. As long as he doesn’t tell his mother about you to early in the relationship, then you can rest easy knowing “she” won’t fly into a jealous rage and threaten to kill you.
What else makes Norman Bates the perfect steal? Well, he also owns his own house. And it’s huge! He is a friend to creatures of all sizes. He practices patience, understanding, and love for even the tiniest of insects.
Lastly, he’s not afraid to be in touch with his feminine side. How many times do women just wish a man could understand what she is going through? How many times would a woman like a man to be more thoughtful and sensitive and not just do whatever it takes to slide up those wet, velvet walls? Norman’s your guy. Definitely. WE ALL GO A LITTLE MAD FOR NORMAN BATES!! Over and over…
Marie (High Tension)
Can we just pause and take note of how CUTE her little pixie, Tinkerbell haircut it? Marie would make the perfect girlfriend. She’s vibrant, funny, and has a smile to die for. Let’s face it. If Tinkerbell were life-sized, Marie is what you would get. I haven’t even mentioned her top two qualities: loyal and romantic. In the midst of an invasion at her friend’s summer house in France, you can see her trying to protect her friend’s parents and little brother (at least that’s the original perception we are shown). She is doing whatever it takes because she secretly loves her best friend. She is wrapping bats with barbed wire, running people down with giant table saws, and even walking barefoot through a nasty, old truck stop/gas station. Ew. It MUST be love.
Leatherface (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre)
Don’t misunderstood boys makes the best lovers and soul mates when just given the chance? We can’t fear them forever. We must learn to love them and let them love us. In the end, Leatherface is the ultimate prize. First and foremost, he will always keep food on the table. You want to break the chains of being “barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen?” Look no further.
Leatherface takes pride in providing food for his family at all costs. You want to save money on clothing so you can spend more on Tiffany jewelry and trips to the Hamptons? No problem! Leatherface is a master sewer! He makes the CUTEST outfits that will be all the rage with you and your friends. I bet his designs will make it to Vogue before you know it. Talk about Haute Skin couture. Lastly, he is very much into cuddling and those soft, sweet forms of showing how much he loves you. One of the most romantic things i can think of is when a man hugs you and you can tell by his embrace that he never wants to let you go. He cherishes you. It almost brings a tear to my eye how magical and romantic the whole thing is. You want a life like that? Leatherface is for you!
Kayako Saeki (The Grudge)
Love Asian culture? Into petite, elegant women? Kayako may be the one for you! And she has smooth, beautiful skin. More importantly, she is fun to play games with. You know what they say! A couple who plays games together stays together! Her favorite game is definitely Hide-and-Seek, which would make her an excellent mother. Your kids would grow up feeling loved and wanted. And isn’t that one of the things we want most for our children?
She is very much into physical activity, primarily yoga. So you know she’s limber and flexible in all the right places. Hasthtag winky face. Hashtag mindblowing sex. Also, she just can’t keep her mouth closed. For obvious reasons, that is extremely sexual and amazing. For more maternal reasons, when her mouth is open and not being used for your dirty pleasure, she emits this amazing melody. Your kids will remember her lullabies until the end of days. So raspy like Janis Joplin. Pure heaven.
What’s better is that she’s probably in your life right now and you just don’t know it. What an amazing story you will tell to your friends and family when you realize that… she… is …. in every single picture of you that’s ever existed in the background. So… if you can learn to see the glass half-romantic instead of half-crazypsychobitchcreepy, then this is definitely the woman for you!
Freddy Krueger (A Nightmare On Elm Street)
Should this not be obvious? He’s LITERALLY the man of your dreams and you don’t even know it. First of all, how many guys that you date have a song written about them that people all over the world know the words to? “1, 2, Freddy’s coming for you. 3, 4, better lock your door…” I mean am I right? He’s also a kid at heart. He loves to bring fun into the mix, even if it is just a simple game of peek-a-boo before he rocks your world in the bedroom.
He’s got iconic fashion sense. Everyone knows that amazing red and green sweater. He basically made stripes awesome. Without him, there would be no Waldo or Steve from Blues Clues. Hell, I bet without him we wouldn’t even still have stripes on the American flag! And when he puts on some sunglasses… world, lookout! We got a badass fierce bitch on our hands that will stop at nothing to make you happy!
Lastly, when he’s not being the man of your dreams and the man in your wet dreams, he will be the chef of your dreams. Fred knows just what you want. His dishes can make your mouth water. After all, he DOES know the foods you dream about. So this makes him the perfect man for the kitchen. Hope you’re hungry!
I wrote an entire post about how amazing and misunderstood Jason Voorhees is, so I don’t feel the need to repeat all of that. If you read the entire thing and still don’t see the good in him and want to have his kids, then you deserve to be alone! I mean he is quite the catch of the day, and you are just going to throw him back in the lake. You know what happens when you toss an amazing catch back into the lake? He kills little girls. He’s angry. He’s abandoned. You created a monster. Now the only monster is you. And you are alone. BYE.