Tina Belcher: Life Coach

Tina Belcher

Are you a hopeless romantic with a powerful sex drive?  How are your social skills?  And is your ability to show proper emotions somewhat lacking?  Never fear; you are NOT broken!  Instead of seeing the downside of things, you should stop and think about how awesome you really are because you are kind of like Tina Belcher from Bob’s Burgers (aka the BEST character on the show)!  Tina offers us tons of advice and she doesn’t even know it.  We all have our inner Tina-isms.  Uhhhhhhh… shall we?

1.  Hopeless Romantic
Do you have so much love inside you that you find it unfair to only give to one person?  How could you be so socially irresponsible to only show one person the greatest love of all time?  Tina, like you, suffers from this daily.  She is constantly seeing the best in people (but mostly just their butts).  I don’t think anything would make Tina happier than loving every cute boy with every cute butt on this planet at one time.  There are too many lips to kiss in this world and too many butts to admire.  In fact, I know nothing less wold satiate her.

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2.  Butts Are Your Favorite Thing Ever
This is me.  Nothing in the world can’t be solved with some hot butts.  Tina, you remind us all not to give up on our passions and we should always strive for the things we want most in life.  Are most of your days taken up by thinking about butts?  Do you sometimes question a great butt over a match made in Heaven?  If so, then you and Tina could have shower nozzle conversation material for the rest of your lives.  You may have just found your best friend!

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3.  Ambition Will Get You A Man
It’s not always about looks.  It’s not totally about humor and smarts.  All of those things help complete the overall package, but someone with ambition is someone who has a drive and desire to live and live fully.  Apathy is a plague of which too many younger kids these days are afflicted.  But not Tina Belcher.  No ma’aam!  She’s got goals.  She has ambition.  She has a reason to live (other than butts)!  Remember:  bigger ambition and higher goals equal a bigger payout!  Dream big or don’t dream at all.

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4.  Work On Your Introduction
You never know where it’s going to happen or if it is going to be planned or spontaneous.  You should always have your sales pitch ready to go!  Regardless of the situation, don’t let the opportunity pass and leave you alone in the dark by yourself.  Work on what you want to say on the fly when you see the best butt of your life.

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5.  Cleverness Is Underrated
Another overlooked aspect of Tina is her cleverness (wrapped up in her flirting).  To really win people over like Tina you have to read the signs.  Sometimes it’s not totally obvious what’s happening.  But then you realize about 10 seconds too late you were just hit by the Love Truck.  And it drug you alllllllllll the way down the highway…

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6.  Be Direct
You should never lead someone on with false pretenses.  You want to date?  Let that be said.  You just want to fool around?  Then throw those cards on the table, too.  Your audience will change based on what you want out of life.  Butts are great.  But true love AND butts are even better, in my opinion.  Directness and honesty are the key to the best love of your life.  Own it.  Being honest with yourself first will help you convey the same message to your potential suitors, too.

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7.  Never Give Up
You see a hot piece of ass that you want to marry?  Go for it!  Never give up and never surrender to the many failed attempts at succeeding!  If you don’t try, you will never reach your dreams.  That’s the only way to never get what you want.  If you want it, then you must seize every opportunity.  Always be on the look at for your moment!

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8.  Don’t Over-Analyze
We find the butt of our dreams but it doesn’t want us back.  Sometimes it takes some effort and a lot of elbow grease (this is not about fisting, don’t worry).  But the biggest mistake we can do is to get down on ourselves by reading into every little detail and over analyzing every aspect of every word and action to death.  True love takes time.  Don’t be the reason you ruin it for yourself.  And don’t sweat the small stuff.

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9.  Confidence Is Key
In line with never giving up is confidence.  You have to be confident that all your work will pay off.  You have to be confident in yourself that you are worthy.  And you can’t just feel worthy for one butt.  You have to feel worthy for every butt that you could possibly ever want at any given time.  With this saturation of Butt Confidence, you will surely be able to realize all those hours of fantasy once and for all.  Always believe in yourself.

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10.  Get Your Hurr Did And Look Great
Never belittle the positive effect a new hairdo or look can do to increase your chance of getting a man.  Sometimes you just need to try something crazy and see how it goes!  It’s not the end of the world and you can always revert back to your boring, butt-obsessed self if things don’t work out the way you hoped.  But you have to at least try.  And you have to give it all you got!  Rule to remember: BE FABULOUS!

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11.  Tone It Up
If you are unhappy with how you look, there’s nothing some jumping jacks, planks, and running can’t cure.  But only do that if YOU are unhappy with yourself or if you think you just need more exercise because all we do is eat bacon and watch Netflix these days.  And we all have impending coronary disease…sidebar.  Cartwheels MIGHT not be the best way to tone it up, but exercise is exercise!  Get that heart pumping and TONE-IT-UP!

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12.  Backup Plan:  Never Underestimate Your Sexy Dance
Everyone has a sexy dance.  At least someone will find it sexy.  And most of the time you are actually the only one.  BUT you totally turn yourself on in a major way!  So surely someone else finds it just as erotic… right?  If you feel you need some tips to improve your mad dance skills, I suggest watching Napoleon Dynamite or Carmen Electra’s Aerobic Striptease.  Or you could just get a wad of $1 chillbills and head to the local nudie bar.

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13.  Next Up: The Hair Flip Of Your Life
After perfecting the sexiest sexy dance of all sexy times, you must work on the hair flip.  Flipping your hair is totes a turn on.  Master this skill and there is no butt out of your league!  Identify it.  Work It.  Flip it.  OWN IT.  But just like when we all tried to learn the Michael Jackson “Thriller” dance, you should have a spare neck brace and a lot of ibuprofen to help you through the learning process.  And also like “Thriller,” there is no such thing as TOO SEXY.

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14.  Be Responsible
After a new hairdo, makeover, and perfecting your sexy dance, you are surely on your way to having the best butt of your life in your face.  You can have as many butts as you want!  Just remember one thing:  safety first!  Always use protection and always be aware of the consequences.  You should never be afraid to talk to someone if anything abnormal should arise after you’ve had your fun (itchiness, bumps, sores, etc).  And never be embarrassed to go to the clinic, that’s why they are there!  PSA over.

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15.  Your Heart Can Break Like Everyone Else’s
If you are like Tina and in love with a new butt everyday, you might get a lot of rejection.  Like… tons.  It sucks.  But the most important thing to remember is that heartbreak affects everyone.  We are only truly in love when we can appreciate it even more due to all the previous pain in our lives.  You just need to find out what gives you back your optimism and inspires you to get back on that horse.  Ride, Sally, ride!  Just remember it always gets worse before it gets better!

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If you see yourself in a lot of the above text and images, that’s okay!  That’s more than okay, actually.  Because you are like Tina Belcher!  She is one of the greatest cartoon characters ever and that just makes you one step closer to fulfilling your destiny: A SHOOTING STAR FUELED BY RAW PASSION!

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What are some unmentioned Tina-traits that you possess?

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3 thoughts on “Tina Belcher: Life Coach

  1. hahaha, I love #5 and #6. I’ve never watched the show (sighhh, so what else is new, right?), but she sounds hilarious!

    I do not possess the ability to hair flip. :[

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