Pale People Problems

We are in peak festival season here in Atlanta.  It seems every weekend you have a handful of competing festivals from which to choose.  Great music.  Perfect beer.  Wonderful art.  You name it!  Fortunately the weather has held up for almost every festival this season.  There is, however, a problem that I, myself, never worry about that I noticed plagues some of my friends: the sun.  I am not of Greek descent nor am I the most tan person you have ever met.  I am, on the other hand, NOT what you would call a pale person, either.  There are problems that my friends face every day in the sun that I have never even considered.  Being pale must be a difficult way to go through life.

The Same Halloween Costume
Without a doubt the most common Halloween costume for pale people is Casper the Friendly Ghost.  He’s so pale he is translucent.  He is fun, outgoing, and friendly (as his name dictates).  So, basically this is the easiest costume for a pale person to wear for Halloween as they really don’t have to do anything other than go as themselves.  Perfecto!

You’re Really A Vampire
If Casper isn’t up your alley, then you can just tell everyone the truth:  You are a vampire.  It may seem unfair that such pale, milky beauty also has eternal youth.  But let those haters go on and hate, hate, hate!  Embrace your inner darkness and be thankful you’ll never die.

But you know you’d rather be compared to Brad Pitt instead of that sparkly bitch who also has the same blinding skin that you do…right?

Sunscreen
Sunscreen is life.  It is your moisturizer.  It is your perfume.  It is everything.  And you constantly have to keep reapplying the highest SPF all day long or else you will burn.  You will feel as if you are in the pits of Hell sucking Satan’s penis for all eternity.  You know the true evil is not sunscreen or being pale.  The true evil is the sun, a frenemy who makes Regina George actually seem like the Chewbacca to your Han Solo.

And when you are out all day and you realize you did NOT get sunburned you feel as if you could conquer the world.  You feel like the Gods above are smiling at you.  You are being kissed by a million angels from the Heavens above.

Winter Is Your Favorite
Like John Snow, you find yourself often saying, “Winter is coming!”  You are excited because you will not be the only pale person in your group of friends.  Winter is the time when pale is the new tan.  As exciting as it is to be leaving the sunshine behind and entering the season of cold winds and snow, your happiness transforms into sadness because you know you will probably still have that January sunburn you get every year.  Your skin will turn red quicker than Bashful’s skin blushes bright red when he sees Snow White in the nude.

You Loved Indoor Recess
In elementary school you dreaded that hour of recess.  School playgrounds are not known for lots of trees due to safety concerns, which means there is never enough shade for you.  You would rather stay inside playing Connect Four, building a puzzle, or playing Oregon Trail.  You prayed to the rain gods every night that it would rain out your recess and force the class to remain inside…

People Are So Confused By You
People don’t understand pale people.  They always think your sick, a vampire, or Goth.  It’s a no win situation for you every day of your life.  And you are so tired of people asking what’s wrong.  By now you have probably come up with enough witty responses that make life more interesting, though.  You have probably ruined some of their pictures, too.  It was their own fault; they should know better than to use a flash with you in the picture!  Right?

You Have One Wish
You are so tired of everything mentioned above.  You are tired of being called a ghost or a vampire.  You are so tired of spending your hard earned money on gallons of sunscreen and aloe vera.  You just want to be normal .  You want to live in a life where you can exist as you are and not worry about things that 90% of the rest of the world doesn’t have to.  Above all, you can’t wait for pale to become the new tan.