“The purpose of National Drink Wine Day is to spread the love and health benefits of wine. Wine has played an important role in history, religion and relationships. We should use this day to embrace the positive benefits of wine such as new friends, reduced risk of heart disease, and the enhancement of food and life.”
I am a big fan of wine. Huge. I drink it whenever I get the chance. I drink it with cheese. I drink it with dinner. I drink it for dessert. I stand next to an empty table and drink wine as I gaze out the windows. See where I’m going with this? Most days I might be misconstrued as some alcoholic wino, but not today. No, sir! Today I am seen as a celebrator of grapes. On this day I can reveal my true identity as Dionysus incarnate and not be mocked. You may also know me as Sir Drinx-a-Lot.
There’s just one small problem: about 10 hours of this glorious day will be spent commuting and working. Biggest boo ever. On the up side, we do have this neat filtered water dispenser in our break room. Maybe they would let me turn it into a temporary wine spigot?
Things could get a little dicey when I want to switch to red wine, though. I can always blame the “yellow looking” water on a bad water filter or something. Oh who am I kidding? I highly doubt I could get away with that plan. Buzzed and drunk co-workers would probably bode well for a more pleasant day, though. I suppose I could always take a page out of Karen Walker’s book and just show up with some giant “juice boxes,” right?
Great. The plan to smuggle in wine to work in honor of this day has been decided. Now it’s time to prepare myself for reasons as to why drinking wine at work would be a good thing. I can’t win my battle on the taste of wine alone. Nor can I use the fact that people would be in better moods due to a decrease in their cognitive skills. That would actually take my argument in the opposite direction. No, I have to speak to these people in a way that will speak to their overall well-being. I suppose I could throw out some random health benefits of wine, yeah? Certainly they wouldn’t deny the lower risk of heart disease. Even icon Betty White can back me on this and I can use her as my spokesperson. Everyone listens to her!
And all the interoffice drinking would totally bond us. Deeply. It would bring all the benefits of an after hours team building activity without actually having to be held after hours or offsite. It would be the best of both worlds! Petty dramas would be set aside. “Hey, bitch! You need a glass with that wine? I will totally help you out, bew!” The maximizing of relationships and amount of synergy would literally blow minds. It would be the pinnacle of, “Can’t we all just get along?” That, alone, is reason enough to fight for this cause!
If only. T’would truly be a dream come true if we could have wine in the workplace. It would be like this magical land of grape salads, corks, and tra la las. I, for one, would get caught up on all of my emails, work ahead on all of my spreadsheets, and jazzify the fuck out of my PowerPoint presentations because I would be under the influence of the magical juice of the gods. Time would cease to exist and I would just be working in this bubble void of constraints and deadlines. But as this is, as I mentioned, just a dream, I will more than likely show up at work only to see it carrying on as usual. No one even caring that it is National Drink Wine Day. So I will just crawl under my desk and cry. And drink wine. And cry.
‘Tis better to have dreamed and lost than to never to have dreamed at all…