Can we just face the fact that it is impossible to be mature, classy, and poignant all the time? As much as we need to show the world that we are upstanding and responsible masters of the universe, there are times that we just need to lose our minds and go a little batshit dramatic, am I right? We’ve seen this take place most of our lives but never really pay much attention to is. Growing up we saw some of our favorite Disney princesses doing their best manic meltdowns and sassy temper tantrums and things seemed to work out for them. Right? And fewer did it better than our beloved princess under the sea, Ariel. Drama is her middle name…
Picture this: you spend all day at work, battling last minute fire drills, over-the-top knee jerk reactions from senior management, and lazy, incompetent co-workers. All you want to do is leave your prison, pick up groceries for dinner, go home, pour yourself some much-needed wine, and cook dinner in peace. Luckily, the grocery store will inevitably be more chaotic than a One Direction concert and you will constantly be fighting your way down every aisle. “Oh, you want that last jar of Grey Poupon, bitch? BRING IT ON!!”
Little do they know you grew up watching Ariel always get her way so you know exactly how to handle this precarious situation. It is also unknown to them how you moonlight as a professional cage fighter and you WILL be the victor and take that Grey Poupon home and baste a healthy baked salmon.
One of the best takeaways from watching The Little Mermaid during my childhood is that I learned the effectiveness of bottling all of my drama into one grandiose facial expression and then frantically fleeing the scene, stomping and rollicking away like I’m being chased by Leatherface or Jason Voorhees. What better way to get your point across to someone that you are in the right and position yourself as the moral high ground? “Yea!? Well… so’s your face!” Pout. Super duper stomp. Flee.
Sadly, some people out there really think this is the most effective way to convey their “completely unfair” treatment. I mean if you want to make a bigger and bolder statement, just pick up a fork, fireplace poker, or butcher’s knife and cut that bish. You will most definitely get the last word and then you won’t have to deal with that awkward moment or conversation when you see each other later, ultimately forcing you to upstage your prior dramatic moment. Pout. Super duper fin flip. Flee.
She may be King Triton’s little princess, but she is definitely the ultimate DRAMA QUEEN! So I think I have definitely mastered the art of making my face look like it’s been hit with a frying pan, crying, and storming off. The next thing I need to learn how to do is fling myself onto any and everything in sight and cry mercilessly. Ariel is not the only one who does this. Actually, this is one of the characteristics that most Disney princesses have in common. So it must be the best way to snag your rich prince, yeah? A woman, a rock, a bed, a water fountain. What do they all have in common? They are the perfect things to dramatically throw yourself upon and begin sobbing uncontrollably. Noted.
Sometimes, however, even that may seem a tad bit too dramatic. After all, crying makes your face pink and puffy. How can you expect to get what you want when no one can even stand to look at your hideous face? As necessary at it is in some cases, you may not always want to go to those extremes. You might consider collapsing to the ground. Acting as if gravity has been removed from the environment will definitely ante up the drama factor. PRO TIP: always opt for the method that has the slightest chance you may harm yourself in said dramatic action (like by infusing your back with hundreds of splinters as you slide down a pole).
But nothing – and I mean NOTHING – is totes more dramatic than sucking in a lot of air (or… water if you are a mermaid. Seriously, how do you even sigh like that underwater?) and exhaling with the most gut-wrenching, world-ending, my-puppy-just-died, and I’m-a-total-rich-princess sigh the world has ever witnessed. The lack of words is definitely more resounding than actually communicating maturely. In terms of Disney princesses, I think there is a correlation between the size of the sigh and how well endowed your prince will be. So you better make it count! WORD TO THE WISE: Your sigh will not count if your wig doesn’t fall off your head…
So just remember that it’s okay to have bad days and moments of weakness. We were practically raised to think that throwing temper tantrums, pouting, crying, and sighing will result in us getting what we want. Does that relate to the whole nature vs. nurture debate? Not sure. Whatever. But in the end I think that most of Ariel’s childish responses to the problems life threw at her were acceptable and tied to her one true wish: to have legs (so she can have wild and passionate sex, duh).