When I Have Long Fingernails

Long Fingernails

I was forced to make an informal resolution this year: stop biting my nails.  I have been a nailbiter my entire life, so I knew it was going to be difficult.  But I have been bite free for a little over two months now.  My fingers still feel weird as my nails get longer and I constantly think about sneaking a bite in when nobody is looking.  I refrain from doing so and just continue to suffer.  My partner has been holding me accountable and in doing so, he is responsible for trimming/clipping them when I can’t stand it anymore.  #TrueLove  But until that glorious day every week or so, there are a few people I might get mistaken for on the streets if someone is looking at my hands.

Edward Scissorhands
First and foremost, as a man I can tell you that we have needs.  Rugged and super manly needs which require us to embrace our manliness.  Burly, manly, needy things.  But even with that birthright, there are still so many things that would be awful if we had scissors for hands.  I mean, is it even possible to circumcise yourself more than once…?

edward_scissorhands.png

It would be an honor to have his job security.  People will always need haircuts and there are more and more pet owners everyday.  Sadly, I still have to fight for my paycheck and attend endless meetings that could have just been emails.

meeting_email

It’s good he did not have an actual childhood because he would never have been allowed to run.  People would always be yelling at him and telling him how dangerous it is to run with scissors in his hands.  I am actually just more concerned with how he would survive in the modern era with scissorhands.  How is he supposed to dominate and complete achievements to earn stars in the Kim Kardashian Hollywood app?!

kids_cellhpones

Wolverine
It would be a great honor to be Logan aka Wolverine of the X-Men!  I am truly blessed to be mistaken for him due to the length of my fingernails.  The X-Men are my favorite group of superheroes and I have enjoyed reading comics, collecting cards, playing video games, and seeing the TV shows and movies my entire life.  One of the main messaging that comes with the X-Men is that they are “mutants” or “freaks,” and that they are often faced with the choice of accepting who they are or hiding/changing to fit in with society’s standards of normal.  Deep.  But you know what else would STILL suck if I were actually Wolverine?  Yep… you guessed it…

wolverine_itchy

(Sidebar:  I only wish the rest of my body looked like that. Alas…)  In the end it may always come down to the balls.  The stepchildren.  The fruit of my loins.  The holder of my children-to-be.  But I have woken up in the past few nights with a little cut on my faceor stomach.  Both resulted in a little blood on the sheets which meant a trip to the laundry room.  Just reaching into my pocket for my wallet or cell phone is another opportunity to dig out a chunk of my finger on accident.  It’s madness I tell you…

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Freddy Krueger
What list of long-nailed characters would be complete without the master of our nightmares?  While most people may see him as an evil monster, I can relate to the message he’s trying to send:  don’t go to sleep.  Think of how much more productive we could be if we just never had to sleep?  We would always be caught up on our thousand work emails.  Our Netflix queue would not seem endless.  We may have even solved the “war on drugs” and many medical mysteries by now!

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But I am glad that I am not him.  I think acquiring and keeping a job would be the most difficult for him due to his physical appearance.  Most client facing jobs would be hard.  Even in this mobile/work-from-home society we have today, there are still some companies that just can’t get with the cost savings and the millennial attitude of trusting their teams to work from their homes.  To *those* people, I wish Freddy Krueger DID have a particular job in the public eye…

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Master Shredder
Sure he is the archenemy to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and to Splinter, but being mistaken as him isn’t the end of the world.  How many times has he instilled fear in the hearts and minds all over the world?  It could still happen again – his glory days are not over!  Soon people will roux the day they began to make puns of his name…

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To be Fagin-esque and Machiavellian in nature like Master Shredder would surely allow me to rule all, right?  Who needs one ring to rule them all when I could do so by just having longer fingernails and the assumed mistaken identity of him?  But we all know that titles mean jack these days (case in point: everyone who works at a bank is a VP of some sort).  We all know the best I could even hope for would be to market some new cereal or something…tmnt_frostedshredderwheats.jpg

Creatures From The Village
I worked at Target for 5 years back in the early 2000’s.  As you know, we have to wear red to work.  Additionally, I would have to be at work at 4am every Sunday to set the ad up throughout the store with other members of the team.  Needless to say, I drank a lot and would end up at work exhausted, haggard, and hungover since Saturday night was prime party time for college students.  With my longer fingernails, this is an accurate depiction of what I must have looked like strolling into work…

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I am thankful that I am now out of the nail biting habit even if now I feel I could be the stunt double for any of the characters’ hands featured above.

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28 thoughts on “When I Have Long Fingernails

    • I never had them too short to where my fingertips were like raw nubs or anything. And when it’s time to clip them, it feels so weird to have them short again. #BoyProblems

    • Mine grow at an astronomical rate – about 2.5x quicker than my partner’s. So when I tell him it’s time to clip mine he looks down at his hands and shrugs lol

    • I definitely don’t have a problem growing them – I wish they wouldn’t grow so fast!! Deadly weapons over here… to myself AND others…

  1. I find your writing style humorous. LOL. I don’t like my nails short, but they are too thin so they get chipped pretty easily! Oh well.. It’s good that you got off your bad habit. I can just imagine how hard it is since you said you have been a nail-biter your entire life! 😀 I’m giving you a cyber pat in the back. 😀

    • I am glad I can make you laugh some! I know I am always happier when I am laughing. Thanks for the cyber pat – it’s definitely been difficult!!!

  2. Don’t u think they grow quicker if you don’t bite them. I’m the same and they grow crazy quick now. Hate it when I can here them tapping when I’m using my phone

    • You would think by now they could create a pill that targets ONLY the “nail-biting segment” of our brains, right??? lol – Thanks for reading 🙂

  3. Hahahahaha. Having Wolverine sized fingernails would be the wooooorst. (Said in the sing-song voice of Jean Ralphio, if you watch Parks & Rec. If you don’t watch Parks & Rec, what are you doing with your life? Watch it so you can get my reference.) On a happier note, I discovered that my new favorite coffee brand was started by Hugh Jackman. So there’s that.

    • I feel like I could be Jean Ralphio! LOL

      As a lover of some good coffee, what is Hugh Jackman’s brand of coffee? My Google skills are a little sub-par this morning as I am unable to find anything! #fail

    • Thanks for the positive feedback! He is amazing, indeed. He is the only thing/person that has helped me to quit biting my nails for this long. I had gone a week or so before in the past (but mainly because I was too busy to think about it that particular time), but I have never consistently quit nail biting and used nail clippers on the regular like I have been these past couple+ months!

  4. hehehe, I told my preceptor about those ribbons the other day when she mentioned she had a meeting to go to!

    That Wolverine comic is gold, hahaha. And ohhhh gynecologist-Freddy. That’s a pretty terrible fate to wish upon someone!

    I’m glad you can be a stunt double for any of these, 😛 Thanks for making me laugh–after this week, I really needed that! ❤

  5. That was a funny read!! I dont bite my nails but I hate them long, in fact I keep them trimmed down all the time. Even when they grow a little I feel like my fingers have gotten heavier. Wierd, I know!

  6. I absolutely cannot grow out my nails. I wish I could, because they look pretty but I literally get “germophobic” over it. Like I start imagining all the bacteria and dirt that’s under there but can’t be seen… So my nails are almost always as short as a “man’s” lol.Oh well…

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