“Think of a wonderful thought… any merry little thought. Think of Christmas, think of snow. Think of sleigh bells – off you go! Like a reindeer in the sky… you can fly! You can fly! You can fly!”
Disney’s Peter Pan is one of their most famous non-princess movies (as long as you don’t consider TInkerbell a princess). So many wonderful memories watching this movie as a child. The music was intoxicating, the story was exciting and full of adventure, and most of all, who didn’t want to fly away to a far off land with pirates, mermaids, and fairy dust? Let me just pop that balloon of yours right now. The movie is full of subliminal obscene messages. You think the movie is sweet and innocent? Oh, have I got some information for you…
1. Cruelty To Animals
The movie starts off with the Darlings preparing for a night out and their nightly routine of putting their children to bed. They look to their dog, Nana, to assist because they are too busy putting on earrings and cuff links to stop their kids from hitting each other with wooden swords while jumping on the beds. Nana is repeatedly cleaning up their messes, she is bringing them their nightly tonics, and she is all in all acting like a servant slave! Dogs are for petting, not for chores. *Cue the saddest music ever* For just the cost of a cup of coffee a day, you could save her from this cruel life. She has had enough. And so have we!
2. Hide yo kids, hide yo wives… and hide yo husbands!
Unbeknownst to the Darlings, Peter Pan has been hanging outside the kids’ bedroom window watching them from the shadows. He was the original Nightcrawler, peepin’ on yo kids. With that creepy smile, he makes Santa Clause and his “He sees you when you’re sleeping” attitude seem tame and appropriate. The lights go out and the parents walk out of the room, shutting the door behind them assuredly knowing their kids are sleeping peacefully. WRONG! Peter Pan is about to come in and try and snatch them up! And what’s up with him and Wendy trying to get all kissy kissy? She is way to young to be swappin’ spit with guys who “come in her window at night” (no sexual innuendo…). It’s almost as if we are already trying to teach the future women of the world that kisses and tang are the true currency of the world.
3. Peter’s Perverted Shadow
We all remember that he was also looking for his shadow that came sluttin’ its way into the kids’ bedroom a few nights prior. Shadows are merely a reflection of our own actions. They mimic our movements and do as we command. However, it’s obvious that his shadow is a separate entity and only thinks with the brain between his legs and was really just looking for some pre-pubescent fun…
4. Ahoy, Child Murdering Pirates!
Can we skip to the obvious plot? In Neverland the enemy is Captain Hook. He wants to kill Peter Pan. He wants to kill his Lost Boys. He wants to murder children. He wants to take his hook and eviscerate the boys from sternum to groin. He actually tries to murder Tiger Lily, the child Indian princess, by drowning her. And we are perfectly okay letting our kids watch this movie. And we wonder why our kids are shooting each other with guns in gymnasiums. Peter Pan was subliminally instilling that murder helps you get your way in life way before games like Call of Duty were even thought of.
5. Sorry, Kony.
Peter Pan has an army full of other parent-less children, which he has nicknamed the “Lost Boys.” Are they lost or are they stolen, Peter? Did you snatch them away, too? Joseph Kony tried doing the same thing and it’s illegal when he does it. But, yes, let’s embrace Pan’s army as cute just because they dressed up like furries or Grindr bait for fat, old pedophiles. Instead of guns they have slingshots, rocks, and bows and arrows. Oh, how history repeats itself…
6. Mermaids are Sultry Whores
The Mermaid Lagoon is a brothel, full of lust, disease, and envy. They are so vain and so in lust with Peter’s peter. They have shells shaped like horns in their mouths to help them pass the time until Peter returns. When he does return, he brings another girl, Wendy. How selfish can he be? He’s already gettin’ tail (see what I did there?) from three bodacious mermaids, and he wants more? I guess oral does get a little boring after a while, since that’s about all he can get from the mermaids. Misogyny is a wonderful thing to teach our children, ladies and gentlemen! Because she has legs she can spread and they be totes jelly, they try to drown her! As Stephanie Tanner would say, “How rude!!” Mermaids, raise your hand if you are a dirty whore in a kids movie!
7. “You call that red??”
I can only imagine the guy who had to look the cartoonist in the eyes and say, “These Indians are not red enough! Make them look more like the Kool-Aid man!” Seriously, they are so red I feel like I should wear suntan lotion just looking at them. What makes matters worse? They speak in the most fragmented, broken English you can imagine and they say “How!” a whole lot. While they are telling stories, all the kids are smoking from pipes! WHAT?! Can you even get lung cancer or emphysema in Neverland? I guess if there are no health repercussions, then it’s okay. But to the kids watching… I bet it looks real exciting to be able to blow smoke triangles like Peter. I bet he learned that trick from the mermaids…
I’ve been avoiding the scantily clad fairy for some time now. I had to make sure and keep your attention, since I am sure most people are interested in Tinkerbell. She is simply out of control. Yet ANOTHER girl trying to kill Wendy because of jealousy. Side bar: Peter ain’t cute! Sure he can play the flute like a mofo, but that’s about it. He’s immature and has no ambition. What do these girls see in him? I digress. Aside from trying to assassinate Wendy like the cold-blooded killer she is, Tinkerbell has the most insane temper. It’s hard to know what the relationship between Peter and Tink was before Wendy came into the picture. But we can be safe in assuming it was wildly inappropriate based on how haughty she gets. You can still see it in Peter’s eyes, too… sometimes when she gets upset Peter has to smack that ass…
9. You can rape! You can rape! You can rape!
Rape is sprinkled all over this movie like mozzarella on Papa John’s pizza. The whole promise to Wendy should succinctly be summed up as, “Yes means yes, and no means no.” Climbing in bedrooms uninvited. Whispering inappropriate things into little girls ears. Peer pressure for group sex (“See, Wendy! They were only trying to drown you. No big deal!”) He’s simply incorrigible. When are we going to stop focusing on people like Bill Cosby, a symptom, and start focusing on movies and people like Peter Pan, the root cause? When I read the quote below all I can think about are the inexcusable frat houses where rape victims are coming in and out of consciousness being “loved” by criminals like Peter Pan…”It will all be over soon, just keep thinking happy thoughts…”
10. All Lost Boys Go to Heaven
If you don’t find the things I have talked about to be astoundingly inappropriate, that’s okay. We can think of the story in a different, more uplifting way: Peter Pan is simply flying a bunch of dead kids to heaven.