My Schwartz Is Bigger Than Yours: A Spaceballs Throwback

“In a galaxy very, very, very, very, far away…”

So the Star Wars parody from 1987 begins.  As a child, this movie was one of the first I ever remember watching and will forever be one of my favorite movies ever.  Not many Star Wars satires are as successful as Spaceballs.  Most of them did not have Mel Brooks driving the ship, though.  I was able to understand nearly all of this movie as a child.  One of the aspects that makes this movie genius is that it does not rely entirely on adult humor (I said entirely… lol) to get its point across.  Sure, the Schwartz is phallic (especially when they make the beams expand from their crotches).  Sure, Megamaid went from “suck” to “blow.”  Sure Dot Matrix, the Joan Rivers-inspired C3PO equivalent, primarily serves to prevent Princess Vespa from having sex, equipped with her virgin alarm (which is”programmed to go off before you do”).  And yeah, the plastic surgeon’s assistant probably DOES give “great helmet.”  And Snotty is beaming everyone, sometimes twice in one night (and we hear all wonderful – in a sultry voice – it is…)  But still, these references are subtle and not overly grotesque and crude like a lot of movies now (Old School, Hall Pass, The Hangover, etc).

Another win for this movie, you ask?  “You.  You got a nasty reputation.  We’re in a sticky situation…”  Get where I am going with this?  That’s right!  One of the kings of the 80s, himself:  Bon Jovi.  The song:  “Raise Your Hands.”  You’re welcome.

Can anyone forget Pizza the Hutt?  I was always really grossed out when I watched him because he is always dripping all over the place and in his eyes and mouth, and his skin is all bubbly.  And his snakey, wiggly, fat sausage tongue was gross.

I find myself spouting out one liners from this movie often.  I find that I can usually find at least one instance a day where I am able to praise Spaceballs.  Those are the best movies- the ones that you can interject into day to day conversation like its nothin’!  This movie has some of the best quotes of all time:

1. Dark Helmet: What’s the matter, Colonel Sandurz? CHICKEN?
2. [Princess Vespa has been given a gun]
   Princess Vespa: I ain’t shooting this thing, I hate guns.
   [her hair gets singed by a laser]
   Princess Vespa: My hair, he shot my hair. Son of a bitch!
   [begins blasting]
3. Dark Helmet: You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now let’s see how well you handle it.
4. Princess Vespa: I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.
   Lone Starr: Oh great. That’s all we needed. A Druish princess.
   Barf: Funny, she doesn’t look Druish.
5. Dark Helmet: Good. Well why don’t we take a five minute break?
   Colonel Sandurz: Very good, Sir.
   Dark Helmet: Smoke if you got’em.
   Dark Helmet: [Collapses]
6. President Skroob: Sanders! Sanders! You gotta help me, I don’t know what to do. I can’t make decisions, I’m a president!
7. Trooper: We ain’t found shit!

Now, number 7 represents one of my favorite scenes from the whole movie.  They are combing the desert.  Literally combing it.  As the scene progresses, the combs get smaller and smaller and eventually becomes a hair pick.  They have a black man using the hair pick and he is totes angry when asked if he has found anything:  “Combing The Desert.”  I die every time.

This is my favorite Mel Brooks film.  But I think it is because it was also the first one I ever saw.  I never fully saw Young Frankenstein until last year, to be honest.  And my dad owned a video store my entire life- so you know I have seen some movies!  Every time I tried it just seemed that Gene Wilder was always screaming.  But my attitude about the film has greatly changed now that I have seen it… so many times now!  Robin Hood Men In Tights was my second favorite.  Blazing Saddles was great, but it was not one that I grew up watching, either.  It seems incredibly racist watching it now; I cannot imagine how it was received at the time it was released.

And how can you not be in love with the singing, dancing alien at the end of the movie??? Even Ridley Scott was impressed I bet!