My hair has plagued me most of my life. Growing up with two cowlicks, one in the front and one in the back, I opted for the easy way out. Most of my childhood I had either a flat top (hey, I loved that red spiky comb and pink wax!) or just a simple buzz cut. When I went into 7th grade I decided it would be a great idea to bleach my bowl cut. No other guy had done anything like that at my school; this was way ahead of the frosted tips trend that spread through middle schools like ebola.
It wasn’t until college and when I got a job at Hollister/Abercrombie that I decided to start using hair gel. My ENTIRE life changed. What was I missing? I mean, I was hit on all the time without hair gel. So I guess I didn’t really think I needed it. But I loved how I looked with this new work of art atop my head! So you can only imagine how I think I look when I forget to wear it before work. Let’s take a look at some of the people who have better hair than me when I forget my hair gel.
When my hair is longer (like it is now), the cowlick in the back makes me look like I have twin buns. Honestly, someone might glance up and think it’s cleavage. Nope- JUST MY HAIR. Unfortunately the twin buns can’t be cool and badass like Princess Leia. No, I have to look like The Prince of Darkness. I frighten small children with this double-bumped monstrosity. They should know they are safe because the only people I want to bite are the rich and famous at Cliffside Malibu Addiction Treatment Center. You know I want my Bloody Mary…
Unlike her, I can’t just shove a peacock feather in my rat’s nest of a hairdo and make it look fashionable. Just let it sink in that she married a senator with that hair. You know he couldn’t have been re-elected with his wife’s hair lookin’ a hot mess. She’s afraid of a political witch hunt? False. She’s afraid of a blow dryer, a brush, and some mousse! But, damn… add that peacock feather in and she’s a fierce bish not to be trifled with!
His hair is like a Tina Turner wig gone awry. But it’s David Bowie and he can do no wrong. So he also goes on the list of people with bad hair that is better than mine without hair gel. You know what I think his secret is? He has a tube of hair gel hidden in his purple leggings. It’s the only thing that makes sense AND also explains his serious bulge. Seriously.
There’s something about Mary, alright. She’s pretty, sure. She is funny, too! But I think the “something” must be a big wad of man spunk. What’s interesting is that she looks better with a cowlick full of jizz than I do with my natural cowlick. I MUST HAVE HAIR GEL, TOO! The struggle is real. Maybe I should just go in the bathroom, tug one out, and use my God-given hair gel instead of walking around looking like a creature from Dr. Seuss…
As he famously says in The Empire Strikes Back, “RWGWGWARAHHHHWWRGGWRWRW!” Loosely translated, Chewbacca is yelling at Han Solo to apply more mousse before turning the blow dryer to warp speed. I pray that I could look as fantastic as Chewie with all that hair. But instead I look like busted ass wampa reject…