Search Terms of Endearment

As bloggers, we not only spend a lot of time planning and writing, but we also spend quite a bit of time in making sure our articles reach our readers via Twitter, Bloglovin, etc.  We create tags on our articles and even share them on Google+ so it will enhance our SEO.  How many of us look at the search terms that people use on their own to find us?  Sometimes they make perfect sense.  I wrote a post about times that Buffy the Vampire Slayer made us cry.  So it is quite appropriate that search terms like “times buffy made you sad” or “buffy cry face” brought readers to my site.  I wrote a humorous article on the pains that pale people suffer.  Again, it was entirely logical that the search term “pale people” could have been used to introduce someone to my article.  But what about some of those terms that are so over-the-moon insane that you almost feel ashamed they were used in correlation with your posts?  I am here to share some of those (they are direct quotes so excuse any poorly spelled words or shockingly horrid grammar as they are included for added effect).

1.  “puss in boots licking balls”
   So I know I write about and mention cats pretty frequently.  But this search tern makes me scratch my head.  First of all I asked myself, “Okay, but whose balls?”  Or perhaps someone is stuck in 1988 with a weird obsession to “Opposites Attract” by Paula Abdul.  Either way, someone seems to be seriously deranged for searching for this, but the level of severity is different depending on whose balls or if they are even, in fact, his own balls.  Meow, this is something I really do not want to see.
   
2. “cartoon wolves having their bums smacked”
   Maybe someone out there wants to make his/her significant other howl at the moon?  Or MAYBE Warren Zevon is googling my site from beyond the grave?!  For those of you who don’t know, Zevon had a hit called “Werewolves of London.”  Either way, this search term makes me feel mildly uncomfortable while leaving me slightly aroused at the same time.
   
3. “why do i see men peeing n the sinks in walmart restrooms”
   I need to preface with the fact that this search term was apparently used multiple times in order to lead people to my site.  I just… I can’t even fathom.. why… anyone would even want to look up anything about being inside a WAL-MART, let alone the restrooms there.  That is more appalling to me than the fact that someone wants to see men peeing in sinks… is that wrong?  Whatever.  We all have our different levels of disgusting…
   
4. “smellysounds”
   Admit it.  You began singing “Smelly Cat” when you read those words above.  I know I did.  But I do wish I could track the IP address of the computer where this term was searched because it is OBVIOUS we have a new superhero in town.  Maybe they were bitten by a radioactive poot and their powers are emerging.  Someone who can SMELL sounds?  I mean, when someone farts that must be double trouble for them.  My prayers are with this new superhero, because “It’s not your faaaaaaa-au-ault!”
   
5. “horror panties ewww”
   At first I was thinking, “Yea!  Panties with some horror movie killers on them! So cool!”  Then I read the “Ewww” after it.  Lord, oh, Lord!  So then what are horror panties?  I think the “ewww” is already implicit without me even knowing the truth! Are they the monthly panties that every woman has a set of?  Are they thongs that give you paper cuts?  Do they have teeth!?
   
6. “is the frase’bye bye felicia’ affending& nasty? or just means slang for end of conversatio?”
   Okay.  There are so many problems with this I can’t even think properly.  The grammar. The spelling.  The fact there is actually a person sitting behind the keyboard for this one who is somewhere out there in society making decisions that affect other people.  To you I say, “BYE, FELICIA!”
   
7. “horror before sex”
   Now I think this was the day that Google search was linked to me telepathically.  But they forgot to include “pizza” with that search query!
   
8. “co worker wanna taste cock black monsters”
   Insanity.  Utter insanity.  As you can see, there are a LOT of people making good use of the internet these days with their wholesome, family-friendly search terms.  Not that the things I write are wholesome OR family-friendly either… hehe.  But nonetheless, I hope they got slapped with a nun and her mighty measuring ruler after searching for this.
   
9. “how can i try sex”
   Aww, you poor, precious thing!  You obviously have not had ANY sort of family life or sexual education classes, which means you are a fourth grader at the MOST (I had a day of sexual education in fifth grade before it was part of the middle school curriculum the following years).  WHICH MEANS NO SEX FOR YOU YOUNG’N!  So if you are back on my site reading this today, then maybe you should be googling “math blaster” or reading some Diary of a Wimpy Kid books instead.  Run along, now.  Skidaddle!
   
10. “that awkward moment you horny and your boyfriend is watching football”
    Wait… why is it awkward?  And why are you searching for that on Google?  Do you seriously not know how to seduce your own man?  Do you seriously need tips on how sex trumps watching sports?  I mean, he can probably even squeeze you in between commercials if it’s THAT big of a deal to you… I am actually going to stop giving any sort of advice or tips on this because I do not think I want you procreating… any time soon.
    
11. “frat boys rape twinnie girls too”
    Is it more messed up that someone googled this or that there is actually stuff out there on the internet for this to be something someone googles?  I mean, it’s the most messed up that it even happens to begin with… but… to capitalize on it and fuel others’ sick desires?  Ugh.  If you are back on my site today and reading this, then I hope the only “twinnie girls” you ever come in contact with are the little kids from The Shining… right before they redrum you.
    
12. “if you bite me i will rip out your teethif you talk to me i will rip out your tongueif you look at another man i will rip out your eyes.but aside from this i can offer you the finest food and finest wine.and we will have a good time”
    … Oh…. kay… so obviously some insecurity issues here.  Try searching for “Dr. Phil please help me” instead.  It is less words to type.  And do it now.  Before you also discover your obsession with watching things burn…
    
13. “is the space balls schwartz scene sexual?”
    Did it turn you on?  Were you thinking of making sweet, tender love while you saw the scene?  Did blood flow in places that became physically evident?  If you answered “Yes” to any of those questions, then it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that it was, in fact, a sexual scene to you.  If you answered “No” to them all, then quietly shut down your reading device and exit my life forever.  BECAUSE YOU ARE WRONG.  It is SO sexual!  When they get all tangled?  Yes, please!
    
14. “a man that can piss in his mouth”
    Is that all you want in a man?  Do you care how he treats you?  Does he have ambition?  Is he kind?  Does he make you feel safe or make you laugh?  None of those matter… all you want is someone who can piss in his own mouth?  Damn, I guess whoever invented THE DRINKING CUP is far beneath you, too.  What’s next?  You want a cow that can milk itself, too?  Your madness needs to end.
    
15. “jennifer jennifer love hewitt bubbly bodacious really happy and yes drunk in love with me baby drunk”
    Yes, you are drunk.  Very drunk.  So drunk that you should be drunk texting your ex who had the good sense to leave you instead of drunk googling celebrities you will never hold a candle to.  Drink it up.  Keep drinking.  And never again come to my site.  Cheers, drunky!
    

This list is nowhere near inclusive of all the search terms used to find my blog.  And I am afraid to find out what the 3859 Unknown Search Terms are.  One day I may be brave enough to do some further investigation.  Until then, I think I will just continue to do what I do… and that is to secretly judge those people goolging weird stuff until I burst and have to write another blog about it.  What are some of the crazy search terms people have used to find your blog?