I love horror movies. Sometimes I wonder what I would do if I could time travel. Would I go back to change one day? No. Would I gallop across the space-time continuum with the Doctor and document all my adventures? No. Well, YES. But that is not what I want to focus on. I want to focus on 1959. And I want to focus on two names: Rodgers and Hammerstein. Have you figured it out yet? I want to go back in time and alter the lyrics to “My Favorite Things,” which was made famous by The Sound of Music and has turned into quite the Christmas favorite.
Bloodstains on axes and razor sharp knives // Barbed wire fences and no one survives // Masked murdering souls with bloody cravings // These are a few of my favorite things
You see where I’m going here? The world would have forever been changed for the better. Those lyrics with the voice of Julie Andrews? Divine combination. Now it is time to get down to business: how to survive a horror movie. Let’s face it, you are one of those scared, angry women in the middle of the theater spilling popcorn everywhere screaming at the victim:
“No! Don’t go in there!”
“Bitch, hang up the phone and *69 his ass!”
“Ooh, this some scary shit!”
As long as you follow some of these simple rules, you will definitely not end up any of the following predicaments: getting stuck in a garage doggy door and getting your head squished, getting strangled from a man in the backseat, or being tricked by your dog who may or may not be eviscerated and strung up in the shower.
1. Use Common Sense
Common sense is not underrated, but it is underused, especially in horror movies.
-You should always avoid splitting up. Never split up to “save time” because YOU GONNA DIE.
-Why do you need to stop at that abandoned gas station run by a fifth generation inbred? Newsflash: YOU DON’T. Move along.
-The room you are in only has one hanging naked light bulb? Hmm… there’s a reason no one has done anything else for lighting in that room. Oh, what’s that behind you? A scary ass ghost that just ate your face.
-That noise sounds like a chainsaw? That cellar door just blew open? You know what, it’s probably just the wind… says the next talking corpse.
-That place looks dark and scary? Because it is. Someone is in there waiting to gut you like a fish and chop your legs off. Next.
-Do you have a rope or bungee cord in your bedroom? Oh, you don’t? Then why the hell are you running upstairs to your room instead of out the door? Are you going to beat him to death with wire hangers? Joan Crawford would approve, but people really underestimate the power of just running down the middle of the road screaming your lungs out for help.
-This is the 21st century. Why is your cell phone not always with you? Also, get off those GPS “dating” apps. It just helps the killer find you faster, unless you are just a headless torso in the sea of thousands.
-Scary barns? No, thank you. The best case scenario is you’ll get cut by some rusty instrument, causing tetanus. A worst case (because the potential is actually limitless) scenario is that you’ll get gangraped, cut up, and lit on fire.
-Buying a house because it is a “bargain” is not worth it if it comes with a haunted history. Sorry to say it, but poltergeists and scary little demonic ghost children are not tax deductible.
2. No sex. Or drugs. Or alcohol.
I know he has a really tight ass or she has really stupendous boobs, but sex can wait. Having sex in a horror movie situation or in a town where a serial killer is running loose is equivalent to cutting your feet and jumping in a pool of 100 sharks. Put your penis away. Close your legs. Move on. No amount of condoms will save you from getting butchered.
Drinking and doing drugs will probably get you killed with a machete or chainsaw, too. I think that is actually on the surgeon general’s warning.
3. Ghost stories, urban legends, and myths are ALWAYS true
Oh it happened to a friend of your boyfriend’s cousin’s baby sitter? Then it is definitely going to happen to you and all your friends. Tonight. History lessons are your friend. Most people will probably get bored in the middle of hearing the story to go have sex or grab a beer. Refer to Rule #2 and just know you are going to die. Painfully.
4. No attics or basements- that is some ghosty, occulty shit
This needs no explanation. Please refer to Rule #1 and use common sense.
Yeah, you won’t be right back. For every person that says, “I’ll be right back,” there should be an Insta-selfie of their dead bodies with a #BeRightBack beneath it. Take a final look at all your friends and that gorgeous house you’re having a party in, because the next thing you’ll see is a butcher’s knife slamming down on your face. That nose job was a waste of money.
6. The killer is Google Maps incarnate
Those woods in front of you? Yea, the killer knows those like Amanda Bynes knows a mental hospital: inside and out. You walk into those woods and you are a goner. You can’t run from a bear and climb up a tree just like you can’t run from a serial killer. You WILL fall. You WILL die. If you are lucky, you will just get raped by some trees and vines instead and won’t have to suffer any more torture than that.
7. Get up and get gone
We understand that your social life may be hanging by a thread, but when you get creepy and mysterious calls, just get up and run out the door. The killer is already in the house, or is distracting you while he finds his way in. But since you did not refer to Rule #1, you probably left all the windows open and doors unlocked. And while getting scared shitless by call after call, you frantically run around the house and lock them all and begin to peer out the curtains. PS: You’re dead; you should have just run.
8. Avoid twins, little girls, and old people
Don’t discriminate. Be cautious. They smell bad. They are possessed. They are evil. The end.
9. What’s that smell? It’s just me, the one who never bathes aka the one who will survive
Taking a shower is just a way to die clean without those shitstains in your asscrack and your pits a mess. Embarrassing, sure. But staying dirty is a sure way to stay alive. Let’s face it, the one’s who live are almost always covered in dirt and blood with ripped clothes.
10. Kill him again, kill him again, harder, harder!
Even if your cut his head off, he is not dead. You need to light that sucker on fire and bury him under 1000 bibles laced in salt. You do not need to get up close to listen for breathing. You just need to empty every bullet you have into that skull. Show no mercy.
Stay alive friends!