Book Review: The Human Santapede

“So here it is, Merry Christmas, / Everybody’s arse to face, / Shitting down each other’s throats, / A yuletide disgrace.”

The Human Santapede.  Who even knew this was a thing?!  I was just looking through Amazon for some Christmas horror books when I stumbled across this cover, spat out my eggnog, and dropped my candy canes. How could I NOT BUY THIS? I am one of the rare people on the planet who actually thought the first Human Centipede movie was good: I thought it was creepy, not OVERLY disgusting (like people assume it is going to be and NOT like the second one), and had some awesome cinematography!

And this cover! It had me rolling! I love it!


I did not expect to enjoy this book as much as I did. I’ll be honest. But it had just the right amount of dark humor mixed with horror elements sprinkled with pop culture insults. I found myself laughing, rolling my eyes, and a couple times even grimacing through the details. The book read quickly and I loved the twists it took on the Santa we grew up with, his wife, his elves, his reindeer, and even of his biggest nemesis, Krampus.

Here is a brief summary of the book:

Santa Claus is coming to town…at least, that was the plan, but now his elves have started going missing, kidnapped by some insidious figure in a black cloak, and despite the magic swirling about the place, the toys aren’t going to put themselves together.

So begins a terrifying game of cat and mouse as Kris Kringle searches The Land of Christmas for his abducted minions, unaware that he is to play an integral part in his foe’s plans. Krampus is pissed at Santa after lending him his snowblower and never getting it back. His punishment? To build a Human Santapede long enough to stretch around The Land of Christmas, and at its helm, the jolly fat man himself.

Can Santa – aided by his best foreman, Finklefoot – get his elves back, defeat Krampus, and save Christmas before it is too late, or will Krampus succeed in creating the ghastliest single-file organism the North Pole has ever seen?

Ho-Ho-Holy Shit, things are about to get messy…

I looked at some of Adam Millard’s bibliography and have already found 4 more books that I KNOW I want to read and a few more that I need to research a little more and also see if I like his writing in more books. I give this one 3.5 out of 5 as it was some entertaining holiday fun! I truly think people will enjoy this more than they may give themselves credits for up front just base on initial judgments… but I will let everyone make their own minds up about The Human Santapede! Or should it be Inhuman Santapede? Or would (In)Human Santapede be best? You can be the one to decide!


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